There is one theme in literature though that I do not buy into. It's the idea of having one-shot at things, that your chance at life arrives one time, that once serendipity has passed you by it's too late, and all these especially pertaining to love. That true love only comes to you once in life. I find none of this true and none of it difficult. Here's what I wrote a few days ago on a notepad while riding the train:
"Falling in love is not difficult. It is not hard to find someone to love. There is no difficulty is finding a pretty face, an infectious smile, a consuming laugh - I fall in love daily. What is difficult, what is so hard, what bears the high calling and demands one to be a man, is choosing one, and loving her above all others for the rest of your life."
This, my friends, is much, much harder than finding "true love." True love finds you, as if it were an accident, or an inevitability. Now I'm not here to say that there should be no feelings of love in the choosing. What I'm saying is, they will be there. The hard part comes in staying true through all the low-tides, through the ebbing of love, through the elusiveness of the feelings. The man who makes a choice is truly to be held in awe. Love should not sit atop our pedestal; rather, a husband should place his bride there, and cherish her in every way, even unto death, as Christ died for the church.
It is "choosing in love" that I find so compelling. I discovered this this past week while studying the first chapter of Ephesians. Paul writes, "[God] chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." (1:4-6) How amazing is it that we have a God who has chosen us? Jesus says, "You did not choose me, but I chose you..." (John 15:16) I don't have to pick the winning team, a lofty idea, or an admirable goal. God loved me and chose me, he made that decision - a decision that even took him to the grave. I can live in full assurance that I am cherished regardless of what I do, and wherever my feelings might take me. How awesome is that? It is this that allows me to love another, and especially my bride, as our relationship will be a reflection of the gospel - of the choosing in love.
.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Full-circle
I've come back full circle to where I was 1-year and 7-months ago. I just finished a book The Shadow of the Wind and upon the last words it put me instantly in that old mindset. I've been missing reading for quite some time now. And, finally now, my view that reading fuels writing, has solidified. I don't know precisely what it is, but maybe it's that another story accelerates our understanding of the world, of how the cogs spin and reel. Maybe it pulls all of our own experiences into place, assigning them to someone else, giving them a name, codifying them with a beauty called prose. A character in Carlos Zafon's novel writes that "...[Reading] is an intimate ritual, that a book is a mirror that offers us only what we already carry inside us, that when we read, we do it with all our heart and mind..." There were many places in that book where I had to set it down and squeeze my eyes shut, tight enough to fuel the intensity of my memories and push them out at the same time. A good story shows me the starkness of life, and climbing back out of one gives me a perspective into the world that I couldn't have approached in any other way.
I have that feeling again. That feeling I had in those first sweltering, Shizuoka months sitting on the rough concrete of the sea wall, staring at an ocean I knew nothing about. I would smoke a cigarette or two, not daring to throw the butts onto the beach out of a fear of her vastness, that if I did, in time she would come back to haunt me. A feeling that would grip me sitting on moonlit tatami, reading the final pages of a novel purchased in yen from the loft of a Japanese bookstore. It's a feeling that leaves me wandering in my own head, connecting new thoughts to realities, making me wonder how I can be different, how I should be different, how I've been irrevocably changed by the turnings in 6 inches of space.
.
I have that feeling again. That feeling I had in those first sweltering, Shizuoka months sitting on the rough concrete of the sea wall, staring at an ocean I knew nothing about. I would smoke a cigarette or two, not daring to throw the butts onto the beach out of a fear of her vastness, that if I did, in time she would come back to haunt me. A feeling that would grip me sitting on moonlit tatami, reading the final pages of a novel purchased in yen from the loft of a Japanese bookstore. It's a feeling that leaves me wandering in my own head, connecting new thoughts to realities, making me wonder how I can be different, how I should be different, how I've been irrevocably changed by the turnings in 6 inches of space.
.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Home?
I'm missing a place I haven't left yet.
I feel like I've already checked out of this place. Thinking back over the 21+ mo. that I've spent here, my experiences and thoughts have varied greatly. Now I'm just ready to come back. But I've still got almost 3 months to be here. I've stopped studying Japanese. Heck, I barely even speak it anymore. I spend my time talking with English speakers, reading English books, listening to English stuff online, and keeping silent. I think a lot of it is because I know I'm coming home. I know I'll be home in 3 months, so what's the use in investing a whole lot in new friendships? Or even in acquaintances? I'm about to be 6,000 miles away from here, in a different job, in a different language, and not only will I be away physically and time zone wise, but there will be every aspect of life wanting to use and fill my time - new hobbies new people, a new church. How much do I try and hang on to what I have had here?
Maybe part of my problem is that I see everything as temporary. High school was temporary, college was just a few years in Eau Claire, Japan was never going to be more than a couple years, now I'll be out in Rapid City for a year or so, then hopefully eventually I'll get into the Foreign Service, and then they'll send me to a couple different places for 2-year stints, then after that I'll still be headed to places only on assignment temporarily...it won't be until I retire that I'd be living in one place for any extended amount of time.
So people will come and people will go. I guess I've got to start learning how to make life-long friends that I don't get to see but once every few years. Or just settle for peripheral-status friends for the rest of my life. A wife and family would always be there, but how could I call them into that same lifestyle of get up and go (for decades)?
"I'm a stranger, in this land
I'm calling out to you.
I'm a stranger, in this land
Oh what am I to do."
And part of it too is I've never felt like I've settled anywhere. Maybe this is true of most people. I think for me it's that my real residence is heaven, and everything else will just feel like sleeping in a hostel on rented sheets until I get there. Maybe I've got to start seeing everyone as they are - as eternal, and that some of them I will be seeing again and others I hope to be used by God to affect their lives in the eternal way so I can see them again too. That's actually quite a bit encouraging, remembering that we're all eternal. It will ease the sting of "sayonara." I actually don't usually say goodbye, and I certainly never drag it out. If I did, it would hurt, so I just don't. Maybe I need to embrace the goodbye in the way that people say it when they know they're going to see each other again.
Siiiiiiiggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
.
I feel like I've already checked out of this place. Thinking back over the 21+ mo. that I've spent here, my experiences and thoughts have varied greatly. Now I'm just ready to come back. But I've still got almost 3 months to be here. I've stopped studying Japanese. Heck, I barely even speak it anymore. I spend my time talking with English speakers, reading English books, listening to English stuff online, and keeping silent. I think a lot of it is because I know I'm coming home. I know I'll be home in 3 months, so what's the use in investing a whole lot in new friendships? Or even in acquaintances? I'm about to be 6,000 miles away from here, in a different job, in a different language, and not only will I be away physically and time zone wise, but there will be every aspect of life wanting to use and fill my time - new hobbies new people, a new church. How much do I try and hang on to what I have had here?
Maybe part of my problem is that I see everything as temporary. High school was temporary, college was just a few years in Eau Claire, Japan was never going to be more than a couple years, now I'll be out in Rapid City for a year or so, then hopefully eventually I'll get into the Foreign Service, and then they'll send me to a couple different places for 2-year stints, then after that I'll still be headed to places only on assignment temporarily...it won't be until I retire that I'd be living in one place for any extended amount of time.
So people will come and people will go. I guess I've got to start learning how to make life-long friends that I don't get to see but once every few years. Or just settle for peripheral-status friends for the rest of my life. A wife and family would always be there, but how could I call them into that same lifestyle of get up and go (for decades)?
"I'm a stranger, in this land
I'm calling out to you.
I'm a stranger, in this land
Oh what am I to do."
And part of it too is I've never felt like I've settled anywhere. Maybe this is true of most people. I think for me it's that my real residence is heaven, and everything else will just feel like sleeping in a hostel on rented sheets until I get there. Maybe I've got to start seeing everyone as they are - as eternal, and that some of them I will be seeing again and others I hope to be used by God to affect their lives in the eternal way so I can see them again too. That's actually quite a bit encouraging, remembering that we're all eternal. It will ease the sting of "sayonara." I actually don't usually say goodbye, and I certainly never drag it out. If I did, it would hurt, so I just don't. Maybe I need to embrace the goodbye in the way that people say it when they know they're going to see each other again.
Siiiiiiiggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Import store
I bought a jar of pickles at the import store. I put it in the fridge to cool it down. A couple days later, I tried to open the jar, but the lid was on too tight. So I put it back. I waited another day or so and tried again. But I wasn't strong enough. So I put it back. The next week I decided to try again. I took the jar out, placed it firmly in my grip and twisted as hard as I could. The lid didn't budge. So now I decided to try something crafty. I took the end of a spoon, placed it under the lid and pushed. I heard a popping noise and the lid came off. I thought to myself, "Tools. They're what separate man, from the monkeys." I reached my hand into the jar and grabbed a hold of a pickle. But when I tried taking my hand out, it was stuck. That pickle jar was on my hand for 3 days until I bashed it against a wall and it broke off. And I thought to myself, "Walls. They're what separate man, from pickle jars."
.
.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
A Real World chat
Hey - this is something I haven't really done yet with this blog. I've always come on here with something in mind that I want to say, and fleshing it out with a lot of editing. But tonight, I'm just going to journal...
My mind is a million miles from here. I say a million, but really I mean 6,000. I'm not in Kambara, Japan anymore. I am sooo set on leaving, on moving on to what's next.
I love it here in Japan, don't get me wrong. I do. I want to be both places though. I like being here, but I really want to be back in America - the good ol' USA. I will be - in 4 months.
I've just got myself too over-involved. At one point I had had a lot of free time, so instead of picking up an activity or two I picked up like 7. And now I just don't want to being doing much of anything. I just want to chill out in Japan, ride my bicycle, sit on the sea wall and stare out at the ocean, write, play my guitar...and reflect - reflect because I am leaving, and I realize that. I didn't even get back to my apartment until more than 2 hours after sunset today. It's hard to miss the sun.
I stayed up until almost 5am watching episodes of "The Real World -Brooklyn" 2 nights ago. Then last night I fell asleep at 5:30pm and didn't wake up until 6 this morning. Now I'm up again still and it's almost 3... I guess watching The Real World pulled me away from Japan for a few hours. I was watching TV! And the people were speaking some language I understand! And not only that, but I was getting the social nuances - I was picking up on the consequences of their actions - I was assembling it and fitting it into a moral, social and cultural puzzle - one with which I'm familiar and care to even try to understand.
This all sounds a bit weird, even to me. I don't know what I'm writing right now, nor do I even want to try and figure it out. I've been in a TOtally different culture and silenced myself inside a language I don't understand for almost 2 years now. Seriously. Where did those 2 years go? What are they? How have I changed? What was the purpose for being here? The big purpose? What is the list of lessons I've learned? What relationships am I going to take away from this?
I fall in love every day.
I AM sick of my job. I am looking forward to not doing something where I don't have any semblance of an impact on the learning of any individual around me. Nobody really learns English in Japan, and very few even care. There's just no need for English, and the systems and methods for teaching it are broken. I'm mostly here to give Japanese people access to a "foreigner." And I get petted regularly. Apparently "foreigners" have soft hair.
Sorry, that's a bit of venting. I mostly don't have anything bad to say. But Japanese people in general are quite naive about the world around them. Very few people are interested in knowing me at all. And those who are want to know me so they can practice their English, not because they think "Luther Flagstad" is an interesting person. Heck, most people don't even know I have a last name. Or they think I'm "Mr. Rusa." (The Japanse pronunciation of Luther). I have found Japan to be, in general, quite cold.
Not to say I haven't had my prejudices and flat-out, crazy cultural experiences of my own. I need to see the world, and I'm doing it. Let's hope I haven't been too ethnocentric.
Yeah - I'm just tired (and it is 2:53 am) - I don't want to go sit at my desk tomorrow. This weekend isn't going to be much better. I teach English for my volunteer club on Friday night (7pm-10:30pm), I go hang out at a camp in Fujieda all day Saturday, I get back so I can go to church early on Sunday morning (get up at 8am), then come back for a pot luck dinner late afternoon - then I'll probably have some NAJET work or school work to get ready for the week. These things seem like they'd be fun, but when I'm only doing things I said I'd do, everything starts feeling like an obligation and nothing is fun anymore. I have to use the wee hours of the night if I want some time to just chill out, and then I'm super tired the next day. I don't even have a chance to work out anymore, and I'm supposed to be walking 100km the end of May.
I've discovered that it takes exactly 4 days (no more) for my apartment to go from spotless clean to pig-sty messy. Not that there's dirt, but just everything is everywhere. I need to learn to put things back when I take them out and use them. Hmm...that's a big life lesson I wish I had learned when I was about 9 years old. But there was always someone there to pick everything up for me, even if I was told to do it. So I never learned. It will probably take until I get married (or at least engaged) to start picking up things on a daily basis. (And if you're reading this, my future wife - yep, that's how it's going to be - and if you're reading this from the future my current wife - am I better?).
That's one of the goals for next year when I move back to the states. (no, not clean silly...) Find a wife. I will be actively seeking to get married. So I've been starting to do a lot of things about and for myself since about November to get ready to impose myself upon another human being. Let's hope she takes the whole package and says it's good enough. I'm totally ready to start moving in that direction - I'm just going to start looking, and when I find that special someone I'm going to start pursuing.
Ok, getting super tired now... (3:03).
That's about all the updates I can think of at this hour. It sums it up pretty good I guess. My mind is far from here, I've totally given up speaking Japanese (never had a friend that wanted to teach me or hang out with me in Japanese anyway), I'm sick of crawling into an empty bed night after night - I've got more to give than only I can receive, and it would be nice to stop letting that fade away into the ethereal nonsense of my apartment.
Time to do something about everything. Only 4 more months...
.
My mind is a million miles from here. I say a million, but really I mean 6,000. I'm not in Kambara, Japan anymore. I am sooo set on leaving, on moving on to what's next.
I love it here in Japan, don't get me wrong. I do. I want to be both places though. I like being here, but I really want to be back in America - the good ol' USA. I will be - in 4 months.
I've just got myself too over-involved. At one point I had had a lot of free time, so instead of picking up an activity or two I picked up like 7. And now I just don't want to being doing much of anything. I just want to chill out in Japan, ride my bicycle, sit on the sea wall and stare out at the ocean, write, play my guitar...and reflect - reflect because I am leaving, and I realize that. I didn't even get back to my apartment until more than 2 hours after sunset today. It's hard to miss the sun.
I stayed up until almost 5am watching episodes of "The Real World -Brooklyn" 2 nights ago. Then last night I fell asleep at 5:30pm and didn't wake up until 6 this morning. Now I'm up again still and it's almost 3... I guess watching The Real World pulled me away from Japan for a few hours. I was watching TV! And the people were speaking some language I understand! And not only that, but I was getting the social nuances - I was picking up on the consequences of their actions - I was assembling it and fitting it into a moral, social and cultural puzzle - one with which I'm familiar and care to even try to understand.
This all sounds a bit weird, even to me. I don't know what I'm writing right now, nor do I even want to try and figure it out. I've been in a TOtally different culture and silenced myself inside a language I don't understand for almost 2 years now. Seriously. Where did those 2 years go? What are they? How have I changed? What was the purpose for being here? The big purpose? What is the list of lessons I've learned? What relationships am I going to take away from this?
I fall in love every day.
I AM sick of my job. I am looking forward to not doing something where I don't have any semblance of an impact on the learning of any individual around me. Nobody really learns English in Japan, and very few even care. There's just no need for English, and the systems and methods for teaching it are broken. I'm mostly here to give Japanese people access to a "foreigner." And I get petted regularly. Apparently "foreigners" have soft hair.
Sorry, that's a bit of venting. I mostly don't have anything bad to say. But Japanese people in general are quite naive about the world around them. Very few people are interested in knowing me at all. And those who are want to know me so they can practice their English, not because they think "Luther Flagstad" is an interesting person. Heck, most people don't even know I have a last name. Or they think I'm "Mr. Rusa." (The Japanse pronunciation of Luther). I have found Japan to be, in general, quite cold.
Not to say I haven't had my prejudices and flat-out, crazy cultural experiences of my own. I need to see the world, and I'm doing it. Let's hope I haven't been too ethnocentric.
Yeah - I'm just tired (and it is 2:53 am) - I don't want to go sit at my desk tomorrow. This weekend isn't going to be much better. I teach English for my volunteer club on Friday night (7pm-10:30pm), I go hang out at a camp in Fujieda all day Saturday, I get back so I can go to church early on Sunday morning (get up at 8am), then come back for a pot luck dinner late afternoon - then I'll probably have some NAJET work or school work to get ready for the week. These things seem like they'd be fun, but when I'm only doing things I said I'd do, everything starts feeling like an obligation and nothing is fun anymore. I have to use the wee hours of the night if I want some time to just chill out, and then I'm super tired the next day. I don't even have a chance to work out anymore, and I'm supposed to be walking 100km the end of May.
I've discovered that it takes exactly 4 days (no more) for my apartment to go from spotless clean to pig-sty messy. Not that there's dirt, but just everything is everywhere. I need to learn to put things back when I take them out and use them. Hmm...that's a big life lesson I wish I had learned when I was about 9 years old. But there was always someone there to pick everything up for me, even if I was told to do it. So I never learned. It will probably take until I get married (or at least engaged) to start picking up things on a daily basis. (And if you're reading this, my future wife - yep, that's how it's going to be - and if you're reading this from the future my current wife - am I better?).
That's one of the goals for next year when I move back to the states. (no, not clean silly...) Find a wife. I will be actively seeking to get married. So I've been starting to do a lot of things about and for myself since about November to get ready to impose myself upon another human being. Let's hope she takes the whole package and says it's good enough. I'm totally ready to start moving in that direction - I'm just going to start looking, and when I find that special someone I'm going to start pursuing.
Ok, getting super tired now... (3:03).
That's about all the updates I can think of at this hour. It sums it up pretty good I guess. My mind is far from here, I've totally given up speaking Japanese (never had a friend that wanted to teach me or hang out with me in Japanese anyway), I'm sick of crawling into an empty bed night after night - I've got more to give than only I can receive, and it would be nice to stop letting that fade away into the ethereal nonsense of my apartment.
Time to do something about everything. Only 4 more months...
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
