I was right. One year in Japan isn't enough. I made up my mind to stay for a second year the second day I was in Japan. I knew that, for good or for bad or for worse, and no matter how I would be feeling come re-contracting time, I needed to stay for at least 2 years. Now I have been here almost 10 months, and things are just starting to pick up.
I had probably my best day yet in Japan today. Again, like my worst day, it's not because of any particular things that happened throughout the day, but because of my mindset. I feel more comfortable in my skin. I have begun to figure out how to relax. I'm getting into a routine. I'm choosing to be more responsible and getting things done.
God's showing me more of the next steps to becoming a diplomat. This is very exciting and very humbling since I have been asking for guidance in this as I fully trust His leading and timing.
It's an exciting time!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
I don't know if I ever got to the point in that last post published a few minutes ago, but basically I'm just saying that I'm happy and have some direction and am encouraged and know that things are going to turn out, whatever they may be.
Also, the time is now 12:23 am which means it's the 19th of May which means it's been exactly 1 year since my graduation from college. I really can't believe that. I can picture my graduation party being yesterday. I'm seeing it again - it's like life's been on pause back in the states while I've been here. I know that's not true, I know a whole nother year has passed at UWEC, but I can't picture it.
I'm 24 years old.
.
Also, the time is now 12:23 am which means it's the 19th of May which means it's been exactly 1 year since my graduation from college. I really can't believe that. I can picture my graduation party being yesterday. I'm seeing it again - it's like life's been on pause back in the states while I've been here. I know that's not true, I know a whole nother year has passed at UWEC, but I can't picture it.
I'm 24 years old.
.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
upswing
Picture a golfer in slow motion: the ball has been struck, its compressed shape reverberating from the recoil, the clipped grass dancing in the sunlight and catching the back-breeze, the club's blade rotating crisply and evenly... that's where I'm at. The upswing.
I have been here long enough to identify a shape on the culture-shock scale. I was excited and fresh in the first few months here. My positive attitude slowly dissipated in December, and by the week before I returned I was crying in my bed at night. I'm sure it had to do with the realization that I was going home and that I had missed 5 months of my loved ones' lives. When I returned to Japan the shock of realizing that America had been a vacation rather than the 5 months in Japan created a numbness that carried me through about 2 months until my degenerative culture-shock disease began to take effect again. I found myself frustrated in April and down right sarcastically scornful by April's last week. I felt bad because my parents were here and had to take the brunt of my poor attitude on more than a few occasions. I told them that it wasn't them, it was just me being fed-up. I remember describing it like this: The first several times that inconvenient or crazy things happened I was like, "haha, isn't this funny? I'll write a blog about it" but by the 20th time, and the 30th time and the 40th time it's just grown old.
I'm no longer seeing this world from just an outside perspective. Shizuoka is my home now. I'm part of it. I want a life here. I don't want a tour.
I think I'm happier now too because I'm again seeing some growth in my language learning. I'm starting to pick up more words, and new things are jumping out at me. Things that have always been there but I haven't been able to identify them. Like riding on the train. Before every stop the guy in the back would make some announcement that just sounded like a garbled stream of noise. Then I could understand "tsugi wa kambara. kambara desu." Which meant, "next up, kambara. This is kambara." Then I could pick out the words "hidari" or "migi" which mean "left" and "right" and gathered from those words that he was talking about which side the doors would open on. Then I could understand "wasuremono" which means "forgotten items" and then all of a sudden in like 2 days worth of time I found I could understand the most of what he said. "Tsugi wa kambara. Kambara desu. Origuchi was hidari gawa desu. Wasuremono wo hirotte kudasai." "Next up, Kambara. The exit doors are on your left. Please don't leave anything behind."
I think it's also my attitude. I'm assuming the best now and have ditched my sarcastic attitude. This country isn't out to get me, nor is any individual living here. I have a scooter and a real, rightfully gained and hard fought for license that makes me feel more like a human being. I feel in control since I'm am making choices rather than allowing myself to be happened to. There is nothing good in allowing myself to feel like a victim.
I'm content with God's good plan and am slowly and deliberately reminding myself of his power and his understanding that surpasses any pea-sized thought that squeezes itself out of my brain.
I have had some struggles recently seeing his sovereignty and cohesive and comprehensive grip on the world and its turnings. But then I started thinking, if God is powerful enough to create the universe with all its stars and planets, and to summon these things simply by the words of his mouth, then he also must have the authority over the powers of this world and the self-proclaimed powers of its inhabitants. A God who knit the world together, who knit a human, breathing and thinking body together, has it together. I can trust that.
It's easy for me to see the long run, but it's harder to constantly live in that truth day to day. That's probably why they say you should have a quiet time each morning and to feed yourself with God's Truth, found in his word, daily. I haven't been doing that and I know my life is less for it. Heck, not just my life but those lives that surround me as well.
The plan right now is to be a diplomat. A gaikoukan in Japanese. I think I'm going to take a day off work and schedule a tour of the US Embassy in Tokyo here soon. Then I'm going to look into getting an internship at the embassy or one of the consulates. Eventually I will take the Foreign Service Exam which is quite difficult, choose the Diplomatic route and hope to beat out 2 out of 3 qualified individuals for a 5-year training session as an FSO. One year of training and two 2-year posts in different places in the world with 1 post almost guaranteed to be a hardship position. Then after that a re-evaluation and hopefully an assignment where I realize a career. That's the plan.
Well, I should take my tired body to bed. I am excited by life right now. I'm thriving on the upswing. Keep my jaw relaxed and put in my 8 hours tomorrow.
.
I have been here long enough to identify a shape on the culture-shock scale. I was excited and fresh in the first few months here. My positive attitude slowly dissipated in December, and by the week before I returned I was crying in my bed at night. I'm sure it had to do with the realization that I was going home and that I had missed 5 months of my loved ones' lives. When I returned to Japan the shock of realizing that America had been a vacation rather than the 5 months in Japan created a numbness that carried me through about 2 months until my degenerative culture-shock disease began to take effect again. I found myself frustrated in April and down right sarcastically scornful by April's last week. I felt bad because my parents were here and had to take the brunt of my poor attitude on more than a few occasions. I told them that it wasn't them, it was just me being fed-up. I remember describing it like this: The first several times that inconvenient or crazy things happened I was like, "haha, isn't this funny? I'll write a blog about it" but by the 20th time, and the 30th time and the 40th time it's just grown old.
I'm no longer seeing this world from just an outside perspective. Shizuoka is my home now. I'm part of it. I want a life here. I don't want a tour.
I think I'm happier now too because I'm again seeing some growth in my language learning. I'm starting to pick up more words, and new things are jumping out at me. Things that have always been there but I haven't been able to identify them. Like riding on the train. Before every stop the guy in the back would make some announcement that just sounded like a garbled stream of noise. Then I could understand "tsugi wa kambara. kambara desu." Which meant, "next up, kambara. This is kambara." Then I could pick out the words "hidari" or "migi" which mean "left" and "right" and gathered from those words that he was talking about which side the doors would open on. Then I could understand "wasuremono" which means "forgotten items" and then all of a sudden in like 2 days worth of time I found I could understand the most of what he said. "Tsugi wa kambara. Kambara desu. Origuchi was hidari gawa desu. Wasuremono wo hirotte kudasai." "Next up, Kambara. The exit doors are on your left. Please don't leave anything behind."
I think it's also my attitude. I'm assuming the best now and have ditched my sarcastic attitude. This country isn't out to get me, nor is any individual living here. I have a scooter and a real, rightfully gained and hard fought for license that makes me feel more like a human being. I feel in control since I'm am making choices rather than allowing myself to be happened to. There is nothing good in allowing myself to feel like a victim.
I'm content with God's good plan and am slowly and deliberately reminding myself of his power and his understanding that surpasses any pea-sized thought that squeezes itself out of my brain.
I have had some struggles recently seeing his sovereignty and cohesive and comprehensive grip on the world and its turnings. But then I started thinking, if God is powerful enough to create the universe with all its stars and planets, and to summon these things simply by the words of his mouth, then he also must have the authority over the powers of this world and the self-proclaimed powers of its inhabitants. A God who knit the world together, who knit a human, breathing and thinking body together, has it together. I can trust that.
It's easy for me to see the long run, but it's harder to constantly live in that truth day to day. That's probably why they say you should have a quiet time each morning and to feed yourself with God's Truth, found in his word, daily. I haven't been doing that and I know my life is less for it. Heck, not just my life but those lives that surround me as well.
The plan right now is to be a diplomat. A gaikoukan in Japanese. I think I'm going to take a day off work and schedule a tour of the US Embassy in Tokyo here soon. Then I'm going to look into getting an internship at the embassy or one of the consulates. Eventually I will take the Foreign Service Exam which is quite difficult, choose the Diplomatic route and hope to beat out 2 out of 3 qualified individuals for a 5-year training session as an FSO. One year of training and two 2-year posts in different places in the world with 1 post almost guaranteed to be a hardship position. Then after that a re-evaluation and hopefully an assignment where I realize a career. That's the plan.
Well, I should take my tired body to bed. I am excited by life right now. I'm thriving on the upswing. Keep my jaw relaxed and put in my 8 hours tomorrow.
.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
If you're ever unsure of what Japanese verb to use, just use kakeru. Chances are you'll be right.
Here are the uses of the verb "kakeru":
lack
want
chip
wane
hang
hang up
suspend (as in hanging a hat on a peg or laying your hand on someone's shoulder)
trap
dust
squirt
water (or adding spices and sauces)
cover
spread
bridge
span
lock, bolt or chain
button up
offer
spur
hail (as in hailing a taxi or speaking to a boy)
take
spend
use the brakes
play the radio
blast (start up an engine or set an alarm clock)
call
bring up
submit
lay out on the table
multiply (as in 4 x 5 = 20)
to insure
to ensure
pressure into doing something
suspect
bother or trouble
finish
press
iron
brush
to machine
screen
be concerned
favor
tax (as in put a tax on cheese)
sit
perch
wish upon
rest
pin
set one's heart on
put on or wear glasses
run, fly or tear
bet
lay
stake or wager
venture, gamble or put
and
set a price on one's life.
This is one useful verb.
.
lack
want
chip
wane
hang
hang up
suspend (as in hanging a hat on a peg or laying your hand on someone's shoulder)
trap
dust
squirt
water (or adding spices and sauces)
cover
spread
bridge
span
lock, bolt or chain
button up
offer
spur
hail (as in hailing a taxi or speaking to a boy)
take
spend
use the brakes
play the radio
blast (start up an engine or set an alarm clock)
call
bring up
submit
lay out on the table
multiply (as in 4 x 5 = 20)
to insure
to ensure
pressure into doing something
suspect
bother or trouble
finish
press
iron
brush
to machine
screen
be concerned
favor
tax (as in put a tax on cheese)
sit
perch
wish upon
rest
pin
set one's heart on
put on or wear glasses
run, fly or tear
bet
lay
stake or wager
venture, gamble or put
and
set a price on one's life.
This is one useful verb.
.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Thanks
Thank you to a few, good close friends who have helped me change my outlook on life in Japan over the past couple of days. I can feel myself on an upswing now. I have decided to assume the best. Goodness knows I don't need to be adding to my own stress.
This is a time to enjoy.
This is a time to enjoy.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Saved by Leinenkugel's
I promised yesterday some anecdotes, so here's one for starters:
I mentioned before how difficult my gentsuki license test was. There were many questions that I had never come across and the wording was iffy on a few. Three of the questions referred to actions to be taken at an "amber traffic light." I know what amber means, and it's not exactly green, yellow or red, so I started thinking that it might be one of those caution lights that blinks above special signs on the side of the road. I was thinking that the color amber was most closely related to what we call a "yellow light" in English, but I couldn't be sure because of the label Japanese people give to "green lights." If you ask a Japanese person what the name of the light is that tells you to go, they'll say "ao" which is the Japanese word for "blue" even though the color of the light is actually green. I only had 30 min. to answer 52 questions with a similar caliber of ambiguity - I was running out of time for these 3 answers. I read the question again. "Amber traffic light, amber traffic light.....Amber Light!" I suddenly remembered the Leinie's beer of this same name. It was yellow in color. And "amber" now most certainly couldn't mean "red light" because Leinie's had a separate beer called Leinie's Red. I concluded that "amber traffic light" must mean "yellow light." I answered the questions and moved on in my quest toward gentsuki glory.
QED
.
I mentioned before how difficult my gentsuki license test was. There were many questions that I had never come across and the wording was iffy on a few. Three of the questions referred to actions to be taken at an "amber traffic light." I know what amber means, and it's not exactly green, yellow or red, so I started thinking that it might be one of those caution lights that blinks above special signs on the side of the road. I was thinking that the color amber was most closely related to what we call a "yellow light" in English, but I couldn't be sure because of the label Japanese people give to "green lights." If you ask a Japanese person what the name of the light is that tells you to go, they'll say "ao" which is the Japanese word for "blue" even though the color of the light is actually green. I only had 30 min. to answer 52 questions with a similar caliber of ambiguity - I was running out of time for these 3 answers. I read the question again. "Amber traffic light, amber traffic light.....Amber Light!" I suddenly remembered the Leinie's beer of this same name. It was yellow in color. And "amber" now most certainly couldn't mean "red light" because Leinie's had a separate beer called Leinie's Red. I concluded that "amber traffic light" must mean "yellow light." I answered the questions and moved on in my quest toward gentsuki glory.
QED
.
The Best and the Worst Day
I had one of my worst days in Japan so far today. And it should really have been a good one - in fact, several good things happened and I will share a few anecdotes later, but all in all it was pretty terrible. The following run down is bad enough to sound cliche. You'll be expecting most of the twists and turns. However, it's not the sum of the individual events that made this a terrible day, it was my mindset trend lending its slowly revolving spiral to this day's accelerating affects.
I've known for a little while now that I miss home. It's not in passing - I miss America. I miss the midwest. I miss English. "O Home Beloved" has been playing through my mind for the past week. Maybe the knowledge that my parents are coming soon has triggered this longing. (I tried writing a haiku in Japanese about yearning for one's homeland on Monday). Or maybe it's been the stacking months void of tombstone pizza, colby and cheddar cheese, pop tarts or chicken patties. Cereal. There are a lot of staples that I've had to go without. For sure it's been missing friends. I want to hang out and have fun with the people that I love and I can't do that.
And my work environment has been stressful. It's such an unknown. It's difficult to know if I'm moving in the right direction or accomplishing goals. I never really hear anything so I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, and if I'm doing the wrong thing, are people just being "Japanese" and not telling me? I wish I could read the social clues. I'm having a hard enough time learning the verbal language, am I ever going to understand the non-verbals?
I care too much what people think about me and it stresses me out. I'm never trying to upset anyone or step on any toes or do something wrong, but obviously I'm going to fail at several points simply because I'm living in a foreign context (and I'm human). But add on top of that the fact that I don't know how people are going to respond or what they are going to think or what they'll tell me, if anything. Back in the states I at least felt like I had the social aspect of life together - I was socially attentive, I could read situations and figure out what was happening, I was generally well-liked and respected, and I felt in command. I could take initiative, be responsible, be independent and be productive. Now I'm a toddler in a 24-year-old's body getting paid $30,000 a year to have my hand held. It's really frustrating and it makes me feel guilty to be constantly helped at work. I feel like I'm being a burden.
Tuesday we had a field trip. I went with the second year kids to Hamamatsu (a 2 hour drive or so) to go clam digging. (I'm not kidding). It was a great experience, and I have a bunch of pictures so I'll show those to you later. But it also meant I couldn't work on my lesson plans all day and I was going to be taking my scooter (gentsuki) license test today so half of today was supposed to be shot too. So I'm getting nervous and edgy already about getting stuff done on time.
Today began. I got up quite early to be ready for Furuya-san who was picking me up at my apartment at 7am. Today being Wednesday I normally would be at work, but I had taken nenkyu (paid vacation) until 2:15 so that I could use my morning to head down to the driving center to take my gentsuki test. The test is really inconvenient because you have to register between 8:30am and 9:30am on a Monday thru Friday and then start the test at 9:30. So I had to wait for a day when I didn't have any morning obligations. Today I didn't have class until 2:15 so I figured I'd be fine.
Well we make the 1hr 15min drive to the nearest driving center and I pay my $15 to get registered for the test and we wait and then I head up to the testing room and 2 different employees move me around to 3 different desks before everyone's settled in and they give a bunch of instructions in Japanese that I don't understand and I fill in some numbers and then they hand out the test. 52 questions and I have to score a 90%. I had purchased the English study book a few weeks ago and read through it 3 times, studying the gentsuki parts very closely. Yet on this administered test there were several questions whose answers were not found anywhere in the study book. I was getting nervous. It was in English, and I'm very grateful for that, but the translation wasn't perfect. One of the questions didn't even make grammatical sense. It was actually really, really hard - I had to repeat many questions over in my head several times to make sure I understood what they were asking. Afterwards I thought I had failed for sure and would have to make this whole trip down to the center another day. Furuya-san was more confident. His surety was based on the fact that my testing number was 007. My opinion was based on actual experience where I remembered having my butt handed to me by a series of twisted sentences. We were waiting in the lobby for the results to come in. Soon enough they flashed the numbers of those who passed up on a screen - 007 was on the list! I gave a shout and Furuya-san a high five. I had done it, I had won! Now all that was left was paying for my license and I'd be back to work.
How little have I learned in the past 9 months.
Soon after I pay another $16 and "volunteer" 12 more (I was told about some kind of program for teaching elementary kids traffic safety and that it would cost $12 and I said "no thanks" and the lady just looked at me in shock and Furuya-san said I better pay the volunteer money because that's what Japanese people do) I'm herded into a classroom where I learn that I have to attend classes that will last until 3:15 before I will be issued my license. I was shocked. I had a class to teach starting at 2:15, I couldn't stay for the classes. But if I didn't stay, I'd have to do this over again. And Furuya-san would have to take another whole day to take me. But if I stayed, I'd have to miss the class I was supposed to teach and inconvenience my JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) and Sarah (the other ALT). I was stuck. And with my mental state already ground into a fine powder, this lose-lose breeze sent me scattered.
I kind of knew that I really had to stay, but people at my school said I really should come back, that I needed to put my students first. That made me upset because I love my kids and have always tried to build them up and care about them individually and know and use everyone's name and what they're interested in and good at. They're what keeps me ticking when I'm at work. (It's certainly not planning curriculum...shudder, another taihen situation this spring). I just felt so bad because I knew I was letting people down and I also was worried about what people would think of me skipping out on work when I said I was going to be back. I worry too damn much about what other people think - I wish I didn't care. It makes it harder knowing that I'll never really be sure what people think because most Japanese people aren't going to give an honest answer. My JTE ended up saying it would be ok if I stayed, but I'm not sure if she was just saying that. Later on this evening when I finally got back to school I asked a different teacher if she was upset with me for skipping out on work. She said she wasn't personally upset but she worried because my JTE had said it was ok but that Japanese people will say things are ok when really they're not. This is what one of my Japanese teachers told me. If even she couldn't figure out if my JTE was mad or not, how am I ever supposed to know what they're thinking?
So you see the circles I start playing out in my head and then all of a sudden I'm looking at people out of the corners of my eyes trying to analyze their gestures and plot their movements because I think they're holding a silent grudge - this is not a good place to reach, and I realize I need a paradigm shift to work my way out of it.... anyways, on with the day.
Furuya-san did his best to encourage me and tell me everything was going to be fine, and I made a long phone call to my dad to talk through the situation and that was encouraging. I was convinced to just enjoy my afternoon of gentsuki class since I was staying and there was nothing more I could do about work. The afternoon was the bright spot in my day - maybe too bright since I had been sunburned on Tuesday while clam digging and now I was spending another unexpected afternoon in the sun's fierce rays. This was annoying, but I was determined not to let it ruin my fun...
We were pretty much stuck at the driving center for lunch, and the only food available was a la carte pastries sold by some lady out of her car in the parking lot. My stomach grumbled on. At the end of the classes Furuya-san drove me back to my apartment. I arrived at 4:30, 9 1/2 hours after I left for this license excursion. If anyone had told me beforehand that it would take 9 1/2 hours to get a scooter license I wouldn't have believed them. And if I had, I don't know if I would have come to Japan. Certain things can be so damn inconvenient. I really have a hard time imagining every single Japanese person having to take off an entire day of work just to get a diver's license. But I guess that's the way it's done. Once at home I was starving. I needed to get to school asap to try and salvage some relationships, so I just boiled some water to make instant yaki soba. When I went to pour off the excess water the top fell off and all the noodles fell into the drain in my sink. I swore but stayed calm and moved on, deciding to get something to eat at the convenience store on my bike ride to work. (You'd think I'd ride my gentsuki since I just got my license. But alas, my school won't give me permission to drive it to or from work because they say it's too dangerous - even though many other teachers drive gentsukis.) I ate my meal of ham steak on a stick and fried rice with soy sauce outside the convenience store and continued on to school. Once at school I answered a few e-mails, organized the pile of papers that had collected over the past day (biofuel farmers got nothing on my school when it comes to clearing forests) and talked with my teacher about missing school. I tried lesson planning for awhile, but couldn't find the teacher's manual that I had been working out of for one of my classes and got pretty discouraged looking EVERYwhere for that gosh darn book. I finally packed it up at 7:30 thinking that I could work on my lesson plans at home. (You can see how far I got on that project based on the length of this entry and the time of publication). Once at home I really just wanted to relax and clear my mind for once in this day so I hopped on my gentsuki and booked it up to McDonald's about 15 min. away. McD's was pleasant, however it started to rain when I was eating so I rushed through it and jumped back on my scooter to get back home. I of course wasn't wearing any rain gear, and my passport, cell phone and electronic dictionary were all in my pockets exposed to the rain. It started to pour. And it poured. I stopped under a bridge to try and wait it out since I couldn't hardly see anything and was afraid of getting run over or hydroplaning and dying. As I was waiting by the side of the road a car zoomed past me way over the speed limit and sent a giant wave of water over my entire body and bike. It was incredible. And that's when I finally lost it. The expletives have been left out of this publication.
I made my way swearing all the way home and into my house I peeled off my soaking clothes and set up my passport to try and get aired out - I hope the electronic chip in it still works. When I took off my sweatshirt I noticed my favorite white t-shirt (the monkey on a surfboard one from Horan Hall) was stained with big black splotches from the dye in my leather jacket. Here's where I started to cry for the first time. I really felt sorry for myself. I wanted to come home. (I guess I still do - reliving this day through words on the page calms my expression, but it isn't changing my resolve.) I took my t-shirt and my sweatshirt to the washing machine to wash them immediately and found that the load I had started before I left for McDonald's had tilted and quit with a bunch of soap suds in it still. And it had drained water on the floor. So I had to restart that load and hold off on my clothes with stains setting in. With the laundry started again a new round of swearing began during the mopping of the floor. And when I burned my thumb on an instant package of rice round 2 of my bout of crying began. That's when I said screw it to getting anything productive done at sat down at my computer. (Halfway through typing this my computer froze and I had to type part of it over again).
This day just isn't letting me go.
Well, deep breaths I guess. The encouraging words have come scattered throughout this day - I hope I can talk some more positive into me tomorrow. For now I have to sleep.
Luther
.
I've known for a little while now that I miss home. It's not in passing - I miss America. I miss the midwest. I miss English. "O Home Beloved" has been playing through my mind for the past week. Maybe the knowledge that my parents are coming soon has triggered this longing. (I tried writing a haiku in Japanese about yearning for one's homeland on Monday). Or maybe it's been the stacking months void of tombstone pizza, colby and cheddar cheese, pop tarts or chicken patties. Cereal. There are a lot of staples that I've had to go without. For sure it's been missing friends. I want to hang out and have fun with the people that I love and I can't do that.
And my work environment has been stressful. It's such an unknown. It's difficult to know if I'm moving in the right direction or accomplishing goals. I never really hear anything so I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, and if I'm doing the wrong thing, are people just being "Japanese" and not telling me? I wish I could read the social clues. I'm having a hard enough time learning the verbal language, am I ever going to understand the non-verbals?
I care too much what people think about me and it stresses me out. I'm never trying to upset anyone or step on any toes or do something wrong, but obviously I'm going to fail at several points simply because I'm living in a foreign context (and I'm human). But add on top of that the fact that I don't know how people are going to respond or what they are going to think or what they'll tell me, if anything. Back in the states I at least felt like I had the social aspect of life together - I was socially attentive, I could read situations and figure out what was happening, I was generally well-liked and respected, and I felt in command. I could take initiative, be responsible, be independent and be productive. Now I'm a toddler in a 24-year-old's body getting paid $30,000 a year to have my hand held. It's really frustrating and it makes me feel guilty to be constantly helped at work. I feel like I'm being a burden.
Tuesday we had a field trip. I went with the second year kids to Hamamatsu (a 2 hour drive or so) to go clam digging. (I'm not kidding). It was a great experience, and I have a bunch of pictures so I'll show those to you later. But it also meant I couldn't work on my lesson plans all day and I was going to be taking my scooter (gentsuki) license test today so half of today was supposed to be shot too. So I'm getting nervous and edgy already about getting stuff done on time.
Today began. I got up quite early to be ready for Furuya-san who was picking me up at my apartment at 7am. Today being Wednesday I normally would be at work, but I had taken nenkyu (paid vacation) until 2:15 so that I could use my morning to head down to the driving center to take my gentsuki test. The test is really inconvenient because you have to register between 8:30am and 9:30am on a Monday thru Friday and then start the test at 9:30. So I had to wait for a day when I didn't have any morning obligations. Today I didn't have class until 2:15 so I figured I'd be fine.
Well we make the 1hr 15min drive to the nearest driving center and I pay my $15 to get registered for the test and we wait and then I head up to the testing room and 2 different employees move me around to 3 different desks before everyone's settled in and they give a bunch of instructions in Japanese that I don't understand and I fill in some numbers and then they hand out the test. 52 questions and I have to score a 90%. I had purchased the English study book a few weeks ago and read through it 3 times, studying the gentsuki parts very closely. Yet on this administered test there were several questions whose answers were not found anywhere in the study book. I was getting nervous. It was in English, and I'm very grateful for that, but the translation wasn't perfect. One of the questions didn't even make grammatical sense. It was actually really, really hard - I had to repeat many questions over in my head several times to make sure I understood what they were asking. Afterwards I thought I had failed for sure and would have to make this whole trip down to the center another day. Furuya-san was more confident. His surety was based on the fact that my testing number was 007. My opinion was based on actual experience where I remembered having my butt handed to me by a series of twisted sentences. We were waiting in the lobby for the results to come in. Soon enough they flashed the numbers of those who passed up on a screen - 007 was on the list! I gave a shout and Furuya-san a high five. I had done it, I had won! Now all that was left was paying for my license and I'd be back to work.
How little have I learned in the past 9 months.
Soon after I pay another $16 and "volunteer" 12 more (I was told about some kind of program for teaching elementary kids traffic safety and that it would cost $12 and I said "no thanks" and the lady just looked at me in shock and Furuya-san said I better pay the volunteer money because that's what Japanese people do) I'm herded into a classroom where I learn that I have to attend classes that will last until 3:15 before I will be issued my license. I was shocked. I had a class to teach starting at 2:15, I couldn't stay for the classes. But if I didn't stay, I'd have to do this over again. And Furuya-san would have to take another whole day to take me. But if I stayed, I'd have to miss the class I was supposed to teach and inconvenience my JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) and Sarah (the other ALT). I was stuck. And with my mental state already ground into a fine powder, this lose-lose breeze sent me scattered.
I kind of knew that I really had to stay, but people at my school said I really should come back, that I needed to put my students first. That made me upset because I love my kids and have always tried to build them up and care about them individually and know and use everyone's name and what they're interested in and good at. They're what keeps me ticking when I'm at work. (It's certainly not planning curriculum...shudder, another taihen situation this spring). I just felt so bad because I knew I was letting people down and I also was worried about what people would think of me skipping out on work when I said I was going to be back. I worry too damn much about what other people think - I wish I didn't care. It makes it harder knowing that I'll never really be sure what people think because most Japanese people aren't going to give an honest answer. My JTE ended up saying it would be ok if I stayed, but I'm not sure if she was just saying that. Later on this evening when I finally got back to school I asked a different teacher if she was upset with me for skipping out on work. She said she wasn't personally upset but she worried because my JTE had said it was ok but that Japanese people will say things are ok when really they're not. This is what one of my Japanese teachers told me. If even she couldn't figure out if my JTE was mad or not, how am I ever supposed to know what they're thinking?
So you see the circles I start playing out in my head and then all of a sudden I'm looking at people out of the corners of my eyes trying to analyze their gestures and plot their movements because I think they're holding a silent grudge - this is not a good place to reach, and I realize I need a paradigm shift to work my way out of it.... anyways, on with the day.
Furuya-san did his best to encourage me and tell me everything was going to be fine, and I made a long phone call to my dad to talk through the situation and that was encouraging. I was convinced to just enjoy my afternoon of gentsuki class since I was staying and there was nothing more I could do about work. The afternoon was the bright spot in my day - maybe too bright since I had been sunburned on Tuesday while clam digging and now I was spending another unexpected afternoon in the sun's fierce rays. This was annoying, but I was determined not to let it ruin my fun...
We were pretty much stuck at the driving center for lunch, and the only food available was a la carte pastries sold by some lady out of her car in the parking lot. My stomach grumbled on. At the end of the classes Furuya-san drove me back to my apartment. I arrived at 4:30, 9 1/2 hours after I left for this license excursion. If anyone had told me beforehand that it would take 9 1/2 hours to get a scooter license I wouldn't have believed them. And if I had, I don't know if I would have come to Japan. Certain things can be so damn inconvenient. I really have a hard time imagining every single Japanese person having to take off an entire day of work just to get a diver's license. But I guess that's the way it's done. Once at home I was starving. I needed to get to school asap to try and salvage some relationships, so I just boiled some water to make instant yaki soba. When I went to pour off the excess water the top fell off and all the noodles fell into the drain in my sink. I swore but stayed calm and moved on, deciding to get something to eat at the convenience store on my bike ride to work. (You'd think I'd ride my gentsuki since I just got my license. But alas, my school won't give me permission to drive it to or from work because they say it's too dangerous - even though many other teachers drive gentsukis.) I ate my meal of ham steak on a stick and fried rice with soy sauce outside the convenience store and continued on to school. Once at school I answered a few e-mails, organized the pile of papers that had collected over the past day (biofuel farmers got nothing on my school when it comes to clearing forests) and talked with my teacher about missing school. I tried lesson planning for awhile, but couldn't find the teacher's manual that I had been working out of for one of my classes and got pretty discouraged looking EVERYwhere for that gosh darn book. I finally packed it up at 7:30 thinking that I could work on my lesson plans at home. (You can see how far I got on that project based on the length of this entry and the time of publication). Once at home I really just wanted to relax and clear my mind for once in this day so I hopped on my gentsuki and booked it up to McDonald's about 15 min. away. McD's was pleasant, however it started to rain when I was eating so I rushed through it and jumped back on my scooter to get back home. I of course wasn't wearing any rain gear, and my passport, cell phone and electronic dictionary were all in my pockets exposed to the rain. It started to pour. And it poured. I stopped under a bridge to try and wait it out since I couldn't hardly see anything and was afraid of getting run over or hydroplaning and dying. As I was waiting by the side of the road a car zoomed past me way over the speed limit and sent a giant wave of water over my entire body and bike. It was incredible. And that's when I finally lost it. The expletives have been left out of this publication.
I made my way swearing all the way home and into my house I peeled off my soaking clothes and set up my passport to try and get aired out - I hope the electronic chip in it still works. When I took off my sweatshirt I noticed my favorite white t-shirt (the monkey on a surfboard one from Horan Hall) was stained with big black splotches from the dye in my leather jacket. Here's where I started to cry for the first time. I really felt sorry for myself. I wanted to come home. (I guess I still do - reliving this day through words on the page calms my expression, but it isn't changing my resolve.) I took my t-shirt and my sweatshirt to the washing machine to wash them immediately and found that the load I had started before I left for McDonald's had tilted and quit with a bunch of soap suds in it still. And it had drained water on the floor. So I had to restart that load and hold off on my clothes with stains setting in. With the laundry started again a new round of swearing began during the mopping of the floor. And when I burned my thumb on an instant package of rice round 2 of my bout of crying began. That's when I said screw it to getting anything productive done at sat down at my computer. (Halfway through typing this my computer froze and I had to type part of it over again).
This day just isn't letting me go.
Well, deep breaths I guess. The encouraging words have come scattered throughout this day - I hope I can talk some more positive into me tomorrow. For now I have to sleep.
Luther
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