When I was younger I used to think that dating and getting married was about finding the right person. When the “are you dating someone?” question was posed to me, I would answer, “no, I haven’t found the right person yet.” In college I got involved with a Christian ministry and through them I heard a new adage: “Getting married is not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.” The reasoning behind this seemed to make sense. This statement takes into consideration the duration of marriage and how feelings cannot carry you all the way through. I’ve heard it said that the “honeymoon period” of a marriage lasts about 8 months to 2 ½ years. After that it can be downright hard work to remain in love at times. So it partially means that one has to work at being married rather than relying on the “compatibility” to carry both through.
This collegiate statement also was getting at the fact that one needs to have their own self-identity settled and be comfortable being single before looking for a spouse. This is related to another thing I heard several times: “If you’re not happy as a single person, you can’t expect to be happy simply by dating.” Be ok with who you are before introducing that self to another person.
Lastly, this statement means to be on the right path in the pursuit of God and to be continually submitting to Him. Marriage is meant to be a reflection of the Gospel – a reflection of Jesus’ love and sacrifice for the church (Eph 5:25-33).
As good and pure as these things are, I was always a little uncomfortable with marriage being defined as being “not about finding the right person…” Really what this statement lends itself to is the conclusion that any two people in the world could get married and it would work out. I actually heard this conclusion made explicitly. I believe that one should work at marriage, that he and she should be comfortable with their own identities and certainly that they both should center the relationship on Christ. But when it’s said that it doesn’t matter who you find, I see that as being detrimental to the future relationship. It’s like saying to your spouse, “I could have married anyone really, it was more convenience that anything else. However, I’m working extra hard to make this work – (love is a verb, right?) – that’s what it’s about. Don’t you agree my 1-in-a-5 wife?” It’s saying to your spouse that they’re not special. It takes the pursuit right out of it.
I have recently made my own statement about marriage building upon the things I have heard, learned and experienced: Marriage is about being the right person for the person you find. This retains all the good advice and Godly things about being the right person without ditching the serendipity (I can’t believe I found you!), or the giddy feelings of love (I can’t even eat…), or the draw of her beauty (My jaw literally dropped when I saw you) or the pursuit (I will fight for you, climb the highest tower for you…).
And it also speaks to the unique relationship offered by the other person. Marriage or relationships can’t be successful simply by following a pattern set out by a Christian manual or series of sermons. This person in your life is an individual with their own dreams and fears, their own glories and failures, their own story and experience of life. Through it all it’s her you’re responding to, it’s him you’re answering, it’s her you’re cherishing in all her glorious uniqueness.
In the past I’ve sat on the sidelines and waited for the right person to come along, I’ve been complacent with the people I’ve found, I’ve been the wrong person and sought selfish gains, and I’ve failed to pursue or to cherish or to celebrate what makes a person special. So I’m going to be different from here on, I’m going to follow my new found mantra, I’m going to build people up in love rather than tearing them down. And when I find that woman I’m going to pursue her with everything as I strive to be the man of her dreams. And if it’s right she’ll be so glad to have found me too.
God, bless this. Be everything to me and all I need. Be my best friend and my constant collocutor.
“I will fight for you, climb the highest tower for you” taken from Bradley Hathaway’s “Manly Man.”
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