An Update

Listening to: "Is There a Ghost" by Band of Horses

I could sleep...I could sleep...When I lived alone...Is there a ghost in my house...

I moved my bed to the other room. I'm now across a closet and a room from the wall closest to the highway that practically runs over my apartment. It's made a world of difference. It's quiet now; I finally feel like I can relax and let go of my thoughts for the night.

I continue to search for perspective to this whole Japan thing.

There are two things that have been on my mind the past couple of days, and I wanted to hold onto them for a little while to see if they still held true. They're both open to reform, but for now I'm going to lay it out.

My situation at my school isn't the best. It's not the worst - no one's antagonistic. But people are hardly ever friendly, and certainly never inviting. I'm left to wonder if it's something I've done or not doing, or just general resentment, or maybe not even that, could be just simple apathy. I didn't take advantage of getting to know foreign exchange students when I was at college. I'm ashamed. I'm kicking myself now. What an opportunity I passed by. And what an opportunity people have here to get to know an American. A Luther.

I had a discussion with my parents about this last night, and my dad had some good suggestions about inviting a teacher of two over for dinner at my place. I have an inclination towards not inviting people to do things myself, and I feel a bit scared as the foreigner. I feel like it's not my place to be inviting Japanese people to do things, that they should be inviting and welcoming since this is their land. They know where things are and what there is to do and how to get there and how to speak the language...

But maybe this is just victim speak. I have been living here 14 months now afterall. Maybe it's time to grow up and take some ownership.

This leads into the first thing I wanted to mull over. I want to stay in Japan longer than these 2 years, but if I do I want to be doing something different. I want to either stay with the JET Program and teach at elementary schools or junior highs, or I want to get out of the JET Program and do something other than teach English. I don't know what my prospects for that are. I can't speak Japanese, so I'm severely limited in my options. I'll have to start looking now.

Or

I come back home after two years in Japan, get some kind of a career job, and study for the Foreign Service Officer Test.

Or I come back home, regroup, and look for another opportunity to get out of the country for awhile to a culture entirely different from Japan. Honestly, I don't know if I'm digging this too much. It's a very severe and uptight culture. It stresses me out a lot of the time.

If it's true that this is my last year in Japan, then that means I only have 10 months left now. I've already seen my very last September. I've seen my last summer. I don't have any time to waste, and I can't take any moments for granted.

The second thing is this idea of marriage that has seemed to be pestering me more than an empty stomach.

On a kind of related note, I was at church this morning and it was really great to just pray and sing the songs. I was praying to Jesus for my physical needs and just asked for a hug, and that got me thinking about when was the last time I'd been hugged by someone and I can't remember, maybe it's been a month, and really, how many times have I hugged someone in the last 6 months? I'm sure it's less than 10. That's like, once every 3 weeks maybe. And that's only on average.

It pretty much sucks to live alone.

Well, this is what I was thinking and that is, if finding a woman to marry is always in the back of my mind (ok, the front) then maybe I should do something about it. I mean, actively look. It makes sense, right? I don't have any Godly counsel in this and I haven't done a Bible study on it yet, so I have some thinking to do. Then when this idea had solidified in my brain, I immediately noticed myself. Am I the right person yet?

"Marriage is about being the right person." I've discussed this statement before, but for the first time, just now, I'm seeing this statement's truth. I've always thought about finding someone as if it were an entitlement. That I was entitled to a wife, and well, where the hell was she? But looking at myself, what if I did meet somebody? Would I be able to introduce her to my life? Would I be able to subject her to the life I live? Am I the right person?

"If you're not ok with being single, you're not going to be ok with somebody."

"The answer isn't found with the woman."

Hmm. I know that. More than just the words now. Good thing I didn't have to go through a failed relationship to learn a lesson this time. Thanks God.

What does it look like to be the right person? It means responsibility. And I mean that in every cliche definition and beyond. It means drinking less beer. It means cleaning the dishes more often than once a week. It means organizing the mail. It means ditching a victim mentality. It means eating fruit and getting exercise. It means shaving and getting a haircut. It means being in the Word on a daily basis. It means keeping interests and hobbies. It means maintaining integrity and accountability at work. It means learning to let go of the little things. It means looking to the Light for direction in the big things. It means being kinder than necessary. It means keeping a budget. It means saving money. It means seeking fun and staying light-hearted and always reaching out. It means counting to 10 when upset.

God, not only break me, but test me with fire. Will what I've built last? Will it stand up to the flames? Am I motivated by the right Wind? Are my idols placed at your feet? Have I let go? Does my strength come from the inexhaustible source? Are you with me in the morning? Do I have your counsel at night? Do you lead me by the hand over the rocky way, down the path too narrow?

Lord, I'm an unworthy man, and I'm humbled when I realize I'm in your presence.