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Life, love, and cliches.

You have a choice

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Which do you love better?




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Something good

Here's the opening monologue to the movie Hitch - I liked it. So I memorized it.

Basic principles: No woman wakes up saying: "Gosh, I hope I don't get

swept off my feet today." Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me." Or something like, "I just need some space." Or my personal favorite: "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying. It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. She may be into her career... but what she's really saying is, "Get away from me now." Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." Well, which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language. 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying... ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's gonna lie to you - She's a nice person, she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings. What else is she gonna say? She doesn't even know you. Yet.

Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Of course, the spice of life will only get you so far. It's the garnish, it's the aroma - the spark, the rush, the stomach love.....but it's got to be based on something. Something stable and solid, something that pays the bills and does the laundry - cuts the grass and does the dishes.....speaking of which.....I better put this thing down.

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Awesome Pictures

That's a hulluva potato. I'd like to see that sliced and tempura-ed.



And this next one is over a year old - It was on the front page of the BBC News Website and it made me burst out laughing - it was right after one of Chavez' crazy schemes got voted down by his own people:


"Grrr...Chavez Angryyy...."

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はっきり見れる

This is the most clearly I have seen since coming to Japan. I wrote a blog quite some time ago titled "tearing" which was about my identity and feeling torn between the place where my mind dwelt and the space that my body occupied. It has been very difficult for me having come to a totally new place for really the first time in my life. I was so comfortably situated in my mid-west, Scandinavian, middle-class American life back home. I wasn't willfully ignorant but I was a bit naive - I wasn't arrogant but I was a bit ethnocentric - I meant no ill-will but I certainly committed a sin of omission in letting the world lie, unopened and unexplored.

It's been a real struggle for me in beginning to view the world as "we" rather than "them." And a lot of it has to do with my own identity. I am finally, finally starting to see myself as a whole person - dynamic and whole. I used to have trouble picturing myself since I saw my two worlds as mutually exclusive places - here, and there. But now, slowly, the light from this world has grown, stretched concentrically all the way to where I find it touching and joining the light of my previous known world and I see: I live on one globe and that globe is called "The World." I am very comfortable being Luther and being here and surviving and now thriving.

Some of it has to do with language. I have found that, the more Japanese language I learn, the smarter Japanese people get. It was so easy to fall into the trap of simplifying a thing to meet the level at which I could understand. With every little bit of Japanese I learn, a bit more of the Japanese psyche emerges - everyone's personality is pumped up, everyone's humanity becomes that more apparent. It's horrible to admit, but it's taken me a long time to recognize Japanese people as fully functioning, thinking breathing feeling humans...it was so easy to see myself thinking and operating outside of (again) what I found to be their simple world. I knew it was not simple, of course. But I couldn't feel it.

I took the 日本語能力試験三級 (nihongo nouryoku shiken san kyuu) ((Japanese Language Proficiency Test - Level 3)) today. There are 4 levels with 1 being the most difficult. Level 3 isn't supposed to be that difficult - I think they say you can pass it with about 300 hours of studying - but it also doesn't do a whole lot for you other than give you bragging rights. Passing Level 2 or 1 can get you various jobs in Japan. Even so, I probably failed. I didn't take my grammar studies seriously enough these past few months.

But this test was a great experience. It was a humbling experience (it showed me all the stuff I still don't know) but at the same time it was a great motivator to study harder. If I can just master all the vocabulary and the grammar at the 3rd-level, I should in theory be able to operate in Japan on a daily basis. So this is my goal. The test won't be offered again until next December, but by that time, I should be ready to take level 2.

If I study for 2 hours every day between now and then. That's the suggested amount anyway.

I've never latched on to anything long term in my life. I've always had such varied interests and I've always dabbled. Now here's a chance to grab on to something sooo practical and honestly engaging. I'm pretty sure I'm coming home in August. But that means 7 1/2 more months in Japan. Why be satisfied where I'm at? I have the incredible opportunity to come away from the JET experience with a workable second language. It would be so もったいない (mottainai) ((wasteful)) to move back to the States without one.

Things are good right now and I think getting better. I had a really difficult September and October, but November has seen me on the up and up, and I should share some of why with you sometime. For now I'm bent on living in the moment. I have a history of over-analyzing to the point where analysis turns into paralysis and I'm no longer effective. I'm only thinking about the future without doing anything in the present. I have a lot of high-mined ideas about where and how I should go, but I don't get out of bed. Living in the moment overcomes this. Of course I have goals - I have the ultimate goal to love and serve God and love others - I have the long term goal of becoming a diplomat or finding and pursuing a woman to love - I have the mid-term goals of finishing my time in Japan or finding a job in Rapid City - I have my short term goals of class schedules and lesson-writing - I even have daily goals in a way of doing dishes, laundry, eating food, and this list could go on and on and that's the point and that's why I never get moving because I never stop planning or thinking about how things should or could be. So I set this down, and push it aside, and walk forward. And I push it aside when it rushes back to trip my step. And I push it aside to clear my head for the now - the sudden, immediate, incredible opportunity of now.

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Some more Apologetics

Question posed to Dinesh D'Souza:

"You maintain that the Big Bang must have had a cause, as you've been going on and on, however this in effect created the universe that is grounded in such rules as cause and effect. Yet at the same time you also maintain that as humans we are creatures of free will and choice and are therefore exempt from this universal canon of cause and effect. Doesn't that strike you as a gross inconsistency at best?"

Response from D'Souza:

"On the contrary it is completely consistent with my supposition, well hypothesis, let's call it a hypothesis, that a discretionary God who did not have to make the universe, the universe was not created out of necessity, it was created out of free--at least this is the Christian view--out of free will. We are created in the image of God which means that to some degree we have some resemblance to God, in what way? In what resemblance? God's not a material thing, there's no Christian tradition going back to the beginning that holds God be material, God is spiritual. So we don't resemble God in our material frame. That's why I have no problem with the theory of Evolution. Because I believe the material frame of man can be adequately explained by evolution, but I maintain that man also has a moral and a spiritual dimension. And while evolution has made pretty good headway in explaining what could be called 'low-altruism' -- I scratch your back you scratch my back -- or, the mother jumps in the burning car because 'wait a minute, her children happen to share her genes -- that's why she's doing it, disguised selfishness.' This is all very clever. But frankly, it doesn't go very far. It accounts for about 10 percent of morality. If you get up and give your bus seat to a stranger, you know, Richard Dawkins may come and go, 'Well that was a really cunning move - you're hoping the old lady will give you her seat next week.' No, you're just doing it because you're a nice guy. Or you give blood, or Mother Theresa, or 'Give me liberty or give me death.' There are lots of people who do things for strangers where they have no even disguised benefit. And I think evolution hasn't given a very plausible, it's given some implausible accounts of this, but it hasn't really accounted for morality. And I think that many people would admit that."


This debate is getting me fired up about going back to my notebook to finish blogging the notes I took about Dawkins' God Delusion. I'll have to go back and read what I've written so far and go from there.

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Some Apologetics

Here is a quotation from Dinesh D'Souza (Christian Apologist) during a debate with Daniel Dennett (Philosopher and Atheist). D'Souza here is responding to the idea of "materialist morality" which says that everything can be reduced down to the movement of atoms, and that even our morality is determined by the physical world.


"Why would anyone be attracted to a metaphysics, that ultimately denies, if you will, half of our humanity? The whole subjective dimension, the whole moral dimension? I want to suggest that ultimately atheism is not so much an intellectual revolt, because think about it, when it comes to God I would agree that I don't know that God exists, I believe that he does. Now knowledge is not the same thing as belief. I wouldn't say I believe in my brother. I know the guy. You only believe when you don't know. So here's the difference. I don't know, and still I believe. Dan doesn't know, and therefore he doesn't believe. What unites us is both of us don't know. We're actually both ignorant. The only difference is, Dan thinks he's a 'champion of reason and I'm a champion of blind faith.' No! We are both reasoning in the dark. The only difference is he won't admit it."


It's not reasonable to hold debates between Theists and Atheists unless they both first agree that both sides have made conscious decisions to believe something. (Which are hopefully based on observations, facts and experiences.)

Unfortunately Dan Barker didn't do this when he came and spoke at UW - Eau Claire, and it severely cut into his credibility among thinking Christians and Atheists on campus alike.

You can find this debate in its full here. I of course only highlighted one individual point. There is much more background to this statement as well as an elaboration in the video. This quotation came in part 6.

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Pictures

Purple Flowers

Random Summer Pictures

Random Summer Pictures II

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I'm finally feeling better about the Japan thing. I knew I would start the climb back up the culture shock curve at some point, I just wasn't sure when.

I think what did it was getting the chance to talk to talk to several other JETs at the practice day for Mid-Year Seminar. Almost every single Shizuoka JET who is in their second year or longer was together on Tuesday. I took some pictures because we are so rarely together, and I haven't seen some of those people since last years' MYS. I got to talk to so many people about what I was thinking about Japan and being an ALT and recontracting and my school...it was great to get to run some things through out loud and to hear from other people how they were doing.

That played a big part. And talking to someone who was real and not having to fake something for appearances, or worry about how I was going to come across.

And a big part of it was a simple reminder from my friend Will that my faith is strong enough for me to stand on. I was on my knees yesterday morning before rushing off to school giving it all up and asking God to cover all of my needs.

I was actually relaxed at work for the day. I read articles about Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz. Today I read a bunch of my Politics of U.S. Foreign Policy textbook. Gotta be well read for that FSOT. (And I finished Airframe by Michael Crichton tonight...not quite sure how that helped...)

So yes, I'm feeling much better. I feel ready again to take on the world. I got 7 1/2 weeks now until I'm on a plane back home and before then I got a long weekend in Tokyo, 2 days in Kakegawa, a longer weekend in Tokyo, a long weekend in Hiroshima, and 5 days in Nagasaki. The rest of the time is just filler.

It will be interesting to go back on all these blogs and plot the culture shock curve. Or the "missing home" curve. Or the "Luther's feeling sorry for himself" curve. Or the "lonely" curve. The loneliness hasn't left necessarily, I'm just ok with it. It's not like I've isolated myself - sometimes it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by lots of people.

Well, hopefully I can come up with some good stories for you. I should at least write down a list of story starters - some "1-liner ignition." I have a million things to tell you, and most of them will come up in moments ignited by asides; not finding any towels in a public bathroom, passing by a tree in bloom, the smell of fish in the air, students in uniform or the sound of a crossing signal. Anything could start them off. I want to hold on to moments though and call them back to you at anytime. Not that you want to know, but I know, I don't want to forget.

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Lyrics

Ingrid Michaelson - Far Away

I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
And close to my heart he'll always stay.

I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and
Nelly and Faye.
While I'm combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.

Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

There's a boy next to me and he never will be anything but a boy at the bar.
And I think he's the tops, he's where everything stops.
How I love to love him from afar.

When he walks right pass me then I finally see on this bar stool I can't stay.
So I'm taking my frown to a far distant town
On an island in the blue bay.

Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

I want to go far away.
Away away, I want to go far away, away, away
I want to go far away, far away.

Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another life, to another life.
To another shore line
In another life.

A gone day

People say to me, "Good Morning" on my way to work and "Good Evening" when I'm on my way home.

I think the reason why Japanese people bow to each other instead of shaking hands is because they don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. And I mean ladies and gentlemen, #1 and #2. It's really disgusting. It baffles me and grosses me out every time I'm in the bathroom washing my hands and someone comes out of a stall and just walks right back into the teachers room. And I know that's guys and girls because the little girls' room is inside the men's bathroom. Most public places don't have soap and I know 99.9% of the population doesn't carry a pump-style bottle of dial in their pocket. We at least have soap at school - the nurse started an initiative several months back to put soap by the sinks - but I don't think the bottle has even needed to be refilled yet due to infrequent use. And I've even seen the nurse walk out of the bathroom without washing her hands.

I seriously considered playing hooky today. It was sooo nice out. And the sun was already below the horizon on my bike ride home. It's testing week so I had no classes today. I get to sit at my desk and let my mind wander... Like that book about an ALT, Tonoharu. I still hear it in my mother's voice as she read the first few pages to me over skype. She sent it to me later. It's pretty gosh-darn, dead on accurate. CLAIR should buy a copy for every JET participant and send it to them before they arrive.

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On a clear day in Kambara you can see Fujisan thrusting high into the air, immense on the horizon. I often see just the top of Mt. Fuji over the various hills and factories that inhabit my town. But biking over on the river side I can see all of Fuji - from my feet all the way to its snow dusted top. Today I was biking to lunch and looking at the horizon where there was a wall of cumulus clouds in the North and East. It wasn't a high wall, but it was enough to completely cover the mountain. It was then that I suddenly realized how big the sky is. Here I'd been contemplating the immensity of Fuji, only to find it masked by a thin stretch of clouds covering only a fraction of the sky. I looked up and saw a brilliant blue. (Blue? That is definitely the color I would choose to paint the sky if I were a surrealist.) And then I looked around at the different shades as sky faded towards horizon. The sky is huge! I mean, you can't even see it all if you keep your eyes in one place.

I definitely want to come home. I'm really glad I booked a ticket to come back for 19 days in December. But I want to be back for good. I'm homesick. Probably the most homesick I've been since I've been in Japan. I am having fun here and there's no way I would break contract and come home - there's too many things I need to see and do still while I'm over here. But I know that I don't want to be here as an ALT forever. This is just a temporary thing. I'm ready to move on to the next phase in my life.

And I'd like to be able to do the hobbies I enjoyed back home: playing catch with a football, playing disc golf, lifting weights, not being 30 minutes to an hour-and-a-half commute from friends. And I'd like to be able to communicate with unlimited possibility with the people around me. I'm so hampered by my situation. When I get home I'm going to be talking silly to just about everyone.

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words

"I'm walking with something sharp in my shoe, smokin' like I always do."

Is there anything better than rain on your roof?

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Later

Men who age. Women who strut their stuff. Young high school girls in skirts with hair on their legs. This is the sound of moving; this is the sound of coming home.

I made the decision to come back for good at the end of this year. It's not a hard decision because I don't sign my name to anything until February. But this thought has started a movement within me, slow gears of power in their steady acceleration. Just having an end date in sight has started this shift. I now have some kind of overall goal. Before I was just lackadaisically moving through time in Japan thinking "well, I'm going to be here again, I'm going to be here next year, I'm going to be here indefinitely" and that thinking gave me no spunk (oh no, Sarah Palin's vocabulary is filtering into mine...), no drive. But now, well now, I have things to do! I'm going to be home in 10 months! I gotta see the world! I gotta make friends! I have to appreciate each moment, never miss a weekend, never miss a day, never pass on a chance to see the ocean.

And I'm coming home over Christmas again. Yeah. It's good. I just paid for my plane ticket.

Sometimes I think these posts are really insufficient. Heck, I know they are. I should somehow be able to capture all of this into words, into a photograph, mold them into a living breathing thing and mail it home. (I'd poke holes in the box). What can hold this experience? Not even my own brain, I forget so much of it.

Thinking about coming home has made me understand that I am going to miss this place sooo much after I'm back. Even every crazy and awesome thing aside, I'm going to miss my ocean, my block, my neighborhood. My view. The chance to jog up into the hills and look over the vastness of the ocean and see how the world curves down over the horizon. There are so many things that are just uniquely here.

I'm moving along with a steady future now. That has made me a lot happier.

A couple of mandates to add:
-Invite often and invite early.
-Before you can be resentful you must first be unsatisfied with what you have.

I'm so tired. I gotta quit typing things.

Luther

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Loving, moving, smuthing, soothing - get it out, round it out, run away, find a way - let's make tomorrow another day - I wish you well, I wish you on, fourteen years, gone.

Westward. Onward. Westward-ho. I see another, so make it so. Let's see beauty, let's see pain, sometimes they're one and the same. I'll read about it, I'll tell you so, then throw back the covers and let is show - we're moving forward, moving on, and I'll break for the morning if our night is gone.

Rising, breathing, taising, seething - mad is for the hapless, sad will take the rain, holy father what's the game? I've thought about it, I got a lot, and where my hand breaks - I'm letting go.......................g...o...n...e.

Taking a Poop

And by the way, why do we use the verb "take?" Usually when you take, you gain something. But here...well, you know.

I felt the urge sitting at my desk (shitting at my desk, as the Japanese would say - they pronounce "si" as "shi" - it's quite funny when you come across "City Apartments." In my town's case, they really are...) so I wasn't shitting yet but needed too, so I headed off to my regular stall, the one with a western style toilet seat. I took one step into the bathroom and saw that the janitor was cleaning at that moment. It was really quite unlucky because usually the kids have to do all the cleaning around the school and they only do that after 6th hour or before school if they get in trouble for something. (And here "trouble" means they shaved their eyebrows or touched a motorcycle or something like that.) So our bathroom was getting its semesterly cleaning. Great. I'll have to find another western seat.

Now, I don't mind the squatters. They're actually quite conducive for the intended activity; however, I wanted to take a bit of a rest, maybe a nap, so I headed off. I went to the guests' bathroom on the other side of the building, a place that I thought was a duplicate of the teacher's bathroom upstairs. And I think it is except for the space between the front of the western toilet bowl and the divider to the next stall. I didn't quite know what to make of the situation upon opening the door. I had to like, pull my pants down while at the same time start to sit, then slide the whole get-up over the seat, timing everything to come down at the same time so that I fit with pants around my ankles. Having squeezed into this position I now found my legs spread to the point of straining and my nose literally 3 inches from the divider. And I couldn't scoot back any further otherwise I'd miss over the backside.

I started jogging about 3 weeks ago and with it, started stretching too and now I'm really glad. I don't think I could have done it without my recent gains in flexibility. Coming up after business hours was quite the time as well - I celebrated my success by laboriously tucking my dress shirt into my skin tight uniqlo pants. The Japanese didn't account for my Scandinavian muscles when they designed their clothes, and they certainly didn't design that toilet stall for a Western-style toilet. Go inaka.


(PS - That's "countryside" for all you living outside Japan. Which really means, that's for my mom and my great-grandma, the only people who read my blog...lol)


Goodnight. So much for that 10 o'clock thing.

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An Update

Listening to: "Is There a Ghost" by Band of Horses

I could sleep...I could sleep...When I lived alone...Is there a ghost in my house...

I moved my bed to the other room. I'm now across a closet and a room from the wall closest to the highway that practically runs over my apartment. It's made a world of difference. It's quiet now; I finally feel like I can relax and let go of my thoughts for the night.

I continue to search for perspective to this whole Japan thing.

There are two things that have been on my mind the past couple of days, and I wanted to hold onto them for a little while to see if they still held true. They're both open to reform, but for now I'm going to lay it out.

My situation at my school isn't the best. It's not the worst - no one's antagonistic. But people are hardly ever friendly, and certainly never inviting. I'm left to wonder if it's something I've done or not doing, or just general resentment, or maybe not even that, could be just simple apathy. I didn't take advantage of getting to know foreign exchange students when I was at college. I'm ashamed. I'm kicking myself now. What an opportunity I passed by. And what an opportunity people have here to get to know an American. A Luther.

I had a discussion with my parents about this last night, and my dad had some good suggestions about inviting a teacher of two over for dinner at my place. I have an inclination towards not inviting people to do things myself, and I feel a bit scared as the foreigner. I feel like it's not my place to be inviting Japanese people to do things, that they should be inviting and welcoming since this is their land. They know where things are and what there is to do and how to get there and how to speak the language...

But maybe this is just victim speak. I have been living here 14 months now afterall. Maybe it's time to grow up and take some ownership.

This leads into the first thing I wanted to mull over. I want to stay in Japan longer than these 2 years, but if I do I want to be doing something different. I want to either stay with the JET Program and teach at elementary schools or junior highs, or I want to get out of the JET Program and do something other than teach English. I don't know what my prospects for that are. I can't speak Japanese, so I'm severely limited in my options. I'll have to start looking now.

Or

I come back home after two years in Japan, get some kind of a career job, and study for the Foreign Service Officer Test.

Or I come back home, regroup, and look for another opportunity to get out of the country for awhile to a culture entirely different from Japan. Honestly, I don't know if I'm digging this too much. It's a very severe and uptight culture. It stresses me out a lot of the time.

If it's true that this is my last year in Japan, then that means I only have 10 months left now. I've already seen my very last September. I've seen my last summer. I don't have any time to waste, and I can't take any moments for granted.

The second thing is this idea of marriage that has seemed to be pestering me more than an empty stomach.

On a kind of related note, I was at church this morning and it was really great to just pray and sing the songs. I was praying to Jesus for my physical needs and just asked for a hug, and that got me thinking about when was the last time I'd been hugged by someone and I can't remember, maybe it's been a month, and really, how many times have I hugged someone in the last 6 months? I'm sure it's less than 10. That's like, once every 3 weeks maybe. And that's only on average.

It pretty much sucks to live alone.

Well, this is what I was thinking and that is, if finding a woman to marry is always in the back of my mind (ok, the front) then maybe I should do something about it. I mean, actively look. It makes sense, right? I don't have any Godly counsel in this and I haven't done a Bible study on it yet, so I have some thinking to do. Then when this idea had solidified in my brain, I immediately noticed myself. Am I the right person yet?

"Marriage is about being the right person." I've discussed this statement before, but for the first time, just now, I'm seeing this statement's truth. I've always thought about finding someone as if it were an entitlement. That I was entitled to a wife, and well, where the hell was she? But looking at myself, what if I did meet somebody? Would I be able to introduce her to my life? Would I be able to subject her to the life I live? Am I the right person?

"If you're not ok with being single, you're not going to be ok with somebody."

"The answer isn't found with the woman."

Hmm. I know that. More than just the words now. Good thing I didn't have to go through a failed relationship to learn a lesson this time. Thanks God.

What does it look like to be the right person? It means responsibility. And I mean that in every cliche definition and beyond. It means drinking less beer. It means cleaning the dishes more often than once a week. It means organizing the mail. It means ditching a victim mentality. It means eating fruit and getting exercise. It means shaving and getting a haircut. It means being in the Word on a daily basis. It means keeping interests and hobbies. It means maintaining integrity and accountability at work. It means learning to let go of the little things. It means looking to the Light for direction in the big things. It means being kinder than necessary. It means keeping a budget. It means saving money. It means seeking fun and staying light-hearted and always reaching out. It means counting to 10 when upset.

God, not only break me, but test me with fire. Will what I've built last? Will it stand up to the flames? Am I motivated by the right Wind? Are my idols placed at your feet? Have I let go? Does my strength come from the inexhaustible source? Are you with me in the morning? Do I have your counsel at night? Do you lead me by the hand over the rocky way, down the path too narrow?

Lord, I'm an unworthy man, and I'm humbled when I realize I'm in your presence.

Missing Home

I'm just sad. I don't have the motivation to do a whole lot. I want to come home. I think I lack a cohesive set of goals right now. I have many esoteric things that I want to do / think I should be doing / would be good to do, but no ranking of priorities. Let me make one. This is a working priority list.

P.S. I'm listening to Phil Wickham's "I will wait for you there" on repeat. I took my guitar out, fixed the broken A string and played it for the first time since I don't know, the middle of July? It was so, so good to play. I played a few of my songs and then just jammed and wrote to some chords for awhile. I put the guitar down, saying I really needed that.

1. God.
2. Sleep. Weeknights, 10:00pm, no ands ifs or buts.
3. Move.
4. Exercise.
5. Take care of my job stuff - School, NAJET and AJET.
6. Study for Japanese Test.
7. Put things back where you found them.
8. Being with people.
9. Reading.
10. Guitar, hiking, exploring, writing, taking pictures, laughing at myself, taking vacations, dancing in the rain, going to Joy Fellowship, calling my family and friends back home, grocery shopping, watching movies, playing baseball with the kids in my neighborhood, and hopefully most of these happen weekly.

Drink it in, Luther. Breathe deeply and don't worry about your heart right now. Attitude. You create your existence, and things are as they are named. Forget that Shakespeare, a rose smells how I say it does.





Whew.

My Japan

Drinking low quality, blend coffee from a juice box purchased at the vending machine in my school’s hallway for a hundred yen suddenly fills me with the essence of Japan. All my feelings, all my memories, all my moods and swings, the sum of all my pictoviews gather together in full force just behind my forehead. It’s like brut cologne to junior high. One whiff of that aging bottle sitting in the top drawer of my dresser always brought me right back to 7^th grade gym class. They say smell is the sense most closely linked with memory, and if that’s the case I’m headed for early senility. However, I have my words and I have the crushing weight of my feelings, so I’ll have to rely on this subjective history to get me through my nursing home years.

Juice Box Coffee. This isn’t even Can Coffee quality.

Through the thick of a year’s worth of memories, a single moment emerges. I’m standing on the sea wall and a breeze tugs at my back. The sound of a semi hangs there too; there’s the ever sleeping Easter Island mountain, and a sky almost matching the sea. This is how I know my Japan: where the hills kiss the water, where people sit at low tables, drinking to the ages just as they have done for a thousand years, where old women ride scooters and bicycles and buy their vegetables at convenience stores, where children bow to a stranger, their bodies bending even as their eyes stare in wonder; a place where concrete and iron push their way through the eonic surface, rising to the sky, where these very buildings are reclaimed by the land they once covered, now entangled in green. Time is all of history here and now is made up of all of then.

I discovered today I've been in love with a thought.

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Breathing detail into the body

Sorry. I ain't got any of that today. You may have to give me a skype call to motivate some detailed Japan story. I'm just not feeling up to snuff to run it all through my fingers.

Today I miss home again. Watching the movie "Lars and the Real Girl" did it I think. I didn't want to watch a movie. But I didn't want to do anything else either. The movie was set in a place up north where people slide their cars on the ice, cook hotdish, and come over and sit in a tragedy - where new bath towels are an item of conversation and where spring starts with Easter, a place where people are terrible dancers and the fake flowers on the alter each Sunday morning are brought by a volunteer over to the local hospital. This is the north. This is my home. I really miss that familiarity. I'll always be comfortable there because I'll always know what to do and I'll always know what to expect.

My surplus money's gone. I spent it all. I'm going to try and live off of $300 in the next 3 weeks. Which is going to be tough given the schedule of parties and gatherings coming up on the list.

Hmm.

.

A year. Have I said that already? Cuz if I haven't, I've sure been thinking it for the past 35 days. That's 55 weeks, after you take out the 2 I spent in the States over Christmas and New Year's. Fifty-five 7 day weeks. Insane. A year.

What have I done in the past year? Don't I still haunt these same places? I have come full circle with the earth, my position to the sun now aligning with old activities and spaces. A year.

Like I felt in college, life back home must be on hold. People can do too much in one year, they can't be different, otherwise, what am I going to know when I get back? My sister Hannah is turning 22 in less than 3 weeks - she's going to graduate college before I get back and I left her in the middle of it. The weight of that age is staggering and it just took the wind out of me. Twenty-two is an adult's age.

I guess if we want to talk numbers, I'm 33% through my life expectancy. I only get double of what I've seen, and maybe a lot less depending on how I go.

Or maybe more. I could live to see 3 centuries. I'd have to be 117 to do it. Wasn't there this guy who just died who claimed to be in his 130s?

I'm decided to drop difference jibing. It ain't funny no more. Nobody appreciates it. Nobody who's traveled anyway. Difference jibing is only funny to those who have never left their insulating nest of ethnocentrism, most often found married to those who never leave their hometowns. I'm not saying that all people who stay home are like this, just that it's easy to stay comfortable and laugh at what's different when home and the people who are just like you are all you ever know. I've realized that now after a year of response from pointing out differences. It don't make a bit of difference if you call it soda or pop, read or yomu, ketchup or kechyapu - I just don't care anymore. We're all talking about the same thing anyway.

And Canada doesn't suck.

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An Update

Aren't all blog entries updates? (Shaking of head and jowls with a pfffppfew)

Wow. I don't know what to write. I don't know why I came on here. I guess I felt I needed to write something about being in Japan. My camera was stolen. Stolen at a nice onsen, Hana no Yu in Fujinomiya. I have to call the place back to see if it turned up. I was pretty pissed for about an hour and a half. I lost all the pictures I've taken over the past 3 weeks. Which actually wasn't a lot of pictures, since I haven't been taking much, but it was the ones I took with Will and Mike when they were here for the first day of their 68 hours. And I couldn't take any after that. Mike will have to tag me on facebook for you to see pictures with them. It was really awesome to see them. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since I saw Will - that it's been 8 months since Steve's wedding. That is crazy. I was in Japan not even 5 months before I came home for a visit last time, and now I've been out of the country 8 months in a row. Crazy crazy crazy. What am I doing here?

It's really warm outside. Tomorrow it will be September. I'm sitting inside my apartment in shorts and a t-shirt with all my windows open and 2 fans on. I'm a bit shiny as well.

I'm seeing an increase in my Japanese abilities. It must come in waves. In levels. I went a long time without seeing any improvement. (Maybe it had something to do with not studying or speaking Japanese for 2 months.) I'm not scared of speaking Japanese anymore. Even if I fail to communicate, I'm not afraid to try. My confidence was greatly boosted with Will and Mike here because I was able to get them around - order food, ask for directions, call a taxi company and get a ride...have some short conversations with people asking about us, etc. I called and talked with the bus company that was picking people up for the Mt. Fuji Climb to find out exactly where the bus would be waiting. Furuyasan's advice from the beginning of our lessons together was to talk to people in Japanese - at the grocery store, at the conbini, waiting for a train. I never felt confident doing that before, but now I feel comfortable saying anything just for the practice or just because I'm a human being and they're a human being and I've got something to say or ask. I'm able to hear Japanese a lot better now, and I'm actually starting to remember vocabulary that I pick up in various places. The Japanese I hear is starting to register more quickly in my brain. Before I would have to listen to something spoken very slowly, then take that sound and run it through my data bank of recorded vocabulary found in the deep reaches of my brain, translate it into English, and then I would understand. Now I can hear something and either it makes the switch into English very quickly, or maybe I'm even understanding in Japanese. I'm excited about studying again (even with a sopping wet lesson book - story to come later, maybe if I have the time to type it all out).

I'm really trying to put on a good attitude. I had to argue with myself in the shower this morning. I was wanting to feel sorry for myself because I missed out on the AJET Fuji Climb since I was too sore from climbing it on Wednesday night. I wanted to feel down, and then I said, "no, I will be happy" and then I said "but I don't have anything to be happy about, so it would be wrong to be cheerful today" and then I said "life is a good enough reason to be happy" and then I said, "I can't argue with that." So I stopped arguing with myself and I won.

I bought new glasses. They are cool, clear, plastic, Japanesey ones. I had gone last weekend to look and couldn't decide between the cool plastic ones and a pair of frameless glasses that were much lighter and more comfortable and more professional looking. I wanted to pick the frameless ones, but my desire to look cool won out. I really don't like glasses in general because of that professional look they give me. I've been going the past year without any glasses at all, so it's not like I'll be wearing them much anyway. Plus I'm getting lasik surgery when I get back from Japan so I won't need glasses after that at all.

Oh yeah, I took an eye exam and bought glasses all in Japanese this past week too. If you think it's a harrowing time at the eye doctor's in English, think about trying to do those tests all in Japanese. Brian Regan's sketch on glasses comes to mind...

Ok. I got lost on youtube while I was searching for that Brian Regan link. whoops. Time got away. Tomorrow is my first day of school for the new term. I'm not ready for school to start. I have to start making lesson plans again. It's late (12:25am as I'm typing this now - hey it's September!) but I'm not tired because I'm excited with life and life's possibilities. I need to start each morning with time - time to talk to myself (not the creepy schizophrenic kind, just the morning pep talk time) and time to talk with God, to relax and start the day. And I need to get sleep before that. Ok, I'll start that tomorrow night. But seriously, there are so many things to be happy about and if I just take the time to see things that way.

I have many stories to tell you. So many stories about the everyday extraordinary that I find here in Japan, stories about the beach and the mountains and friends and people and the things they tell me and the things I see. So many of these stories will fall down on me as I'm sitting in the States years from now. Maybe it will be a plate of noodles or a misunderstood word or a trip to the mountains, but something will set it off and I will suddenly be rushed back to these moments of life here on this island, so many miles from home.

Now I'm going for a walk along the ocean. I have too much energy to take to bed with me, I don't think I could keep my head on the pillow.

For now, goodnight.

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This month's pep talk

Ok. I've decided to be happy. I'm putting all of the crushing weight of heavy thoughts down, nothing needs to be tragic or dreary or even crucial. My perfectionism can bite it - I'm going to have fun. I've been saying this to myself the past 4 months and now maybe I'm starting to believe it: What's the point of doing this if I don't have fun? I'm done griping about my schedule and work, I'm just going to enjoy what I'm doing. If I'm doing something that must be done, that's fine, it doesn't mean that, therefore, I can't enjoy it. Put a silly grin on your face, Luther, and you'll start having fun.

And talk to people. Even if you can only get as deep as 1 sentence or 1 question. Just do it. Don't shy from anything. There's no point. I already know that when I'm back in America I'm never holding back if I have something to say, something to ask. I'll do it just because I can. That girl behind the counter at the coffee shop, the gas attendant, my pastor, police officer, mayor, guy behind me in line at the ATM - if I got something funny to say, a question to ask, it's coming out. Now in Japan, I'm in a different culture and a different language but heck to that! I'm still going to try my Japanese even if it makes no sense whatsoever. There is no good reason any more to stay quiet.

Make friends. Invite. Don't rot in your apartment. Coffee. A drink. Atami beach. Book shopping in Shizuoka. Check the Shizuoka guide. Concert. Museum. Temple.

Don't be a turd.

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Next

Year Two

August

Shizuoka

I moved into town. Took a 3:30. Didn’t get there ‘til Four. My mind raced around nothing, grabbing to the little pieces that were wisps, waiting for something to materialize. I was fallow and realized this happened some time ago. I beat the road, looking for cigarettes. The machines had since gone Taspo – you now needed a card to buy from them, even though the beer machines were left open to the world and open to the teens. Cigarettes were a bigger pull I guess. You looked cooler taking a smoky drag, more than a cool pull. Sunday. Where had Saturday gone? I always wish I had more time, always kicking myself for not starting earlier. Less than eight hours ‘til the last train. Had this been eight, I could have had the whole day. Hell, I could put in my day and still return to the sun and a messy apartment, maybe with a reserve of motivation to clean. I was living between work weeks, weeks spent away from home, my Japanese home. In this day I realized that I wanted my home back home – over oceans and half a continent – to the sweet center of the northern world where my ancestors settled, having crossed that opposite ocean. I stood on the dirt outside the station, stood on an exposed root, looking down. This was Minnesotan soil – I pictured the woods in my periphery, green and hollow, leaves lined parallel, seeing water through the gaps and sun behind it. The soil was beaten low, maybe trampled by that summer’s campers, all putting their tent in the same spot, the door facing the southern sun.

I could write, I knew it, if only I had a plan. I could play, I knew it, if only I had the drive, the discipline. The stick of a benny addict. Or the observation of a man with an eye. But I was seeing maimed, almost half of my senses gone. My nose didn’t work and my eyes only saw the inside workings of myself, those tired and worn from a year overseas, away from home. I could talk to anyone now, I knew it. I would ask all the questions that popped into my head.

God, I loved – loved every girl that walked by, yet I knew I was settling for Japanese women, their faces now softening to my eyes. I know I’ll end up with a Minnesota girl, blond hair and blue eyes with a smile of wintry beauty, a beauty that warms in the summer and turns to golden brown, hair that lightens with the brightness of her laugh, tanning in rolled down shorts and freckled shoulders, looking at me sideways as she lays on the lawn. Soft white eyelids, like silk on my lips. You don’t have to explain anything to your own kind, you just get each other. Someone who knows the grip of Cheez-its, the foul of lutefisk, the lethargy that comes with the sound of an organ playing somber Lutheran hymns. It sounds strange to you, but isn’t it so normal? Such a part of the grind? Heaven knows it and heaven is soft and bright – a soft edged whiteness drifting above it all and settling down upon the sharp-tipped world below, dulling its points and blurring its edges, the grey melting into rubbed charcoal into cream into white.

Run away and marry me. I will love you forever.

Pictures!

Spring Break Period of Life

Clam Digging

My Parents' Visit

With my parents in Nara and Kyoto

With my parents in Nara and Kyoto 2

Parents around Shizuoka and Tokyo

Last days with the parents

More pictures from this spring

Leaver's Party pictures

Writings on the Ocean

The humidity does many things in summertime Japan. Some are destructive – I have already lost 2 shelves, a necklace and a pair of shorts to mold, and who knows what else I’ll lose. I have my dehumidifier running in my closet right now. It also keeps me in a nice shiny glaze and soaks my sheets at night. I have to run the fan to dry my bed during the day.

The humidity does some very beautiful things though too. Like when I’m biking to school and look up into the hills to find their tops erased by clouds, smudged out against the white sky. The ocean too seems to be born out of the mist, its giant waves generated just out of sight before being sent to shore. Standing on the beach tonight I could see it all in perfect moonlight, the humidity having settled down above the water. The man on the moon was singing his high sad note and the melody played along the moonbeams before being turned to pure liquid on the waves. The waves tonight came silently and didn’t sound until they beat upon the wavebreakers. I felt no bigger than a pebble tonight, standing there peering over them. The waves were just the right size so I could imagine myself standing at the edge of a lake looking up at the water lapping on shore. I wondered what kind of a sound those waves make to tiny ears.

I cannot forget you ocean, and I cannot look away. You’re magic- you don’t exist and you spread everywhere, beyond what my mind can fathom. I think I could lust after you, I would have run away to you if this were a different century. Ocean, take my thoughts and sail them over your belly; scatter my dreams and gather them on your other side. Hold me shallow and take me deep, deep to where my darkest unspoken fears lie sovereign and language knows no words.

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hmm

How quickly novelty wears off. You know, some things are only cool because they’re new. You put up with them, no, you enjoy them and appreciate them because they’re new. But when that is the sole quality on which they stand, they will inevitably crumble. Time in its sure march renders them ridiculous and intolerable. A love based on novelty is doomed to fail.

I’ve fallen out of love with obento.

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Read the post before this one first

Woah - I just watched a video of Phil Wickham's song True Love on GodTube. It's a really great song and I'm about to go download it as soon as I type in here. It made me realize that I forgot the reason why I even began to write my last post. I originally had wanted to comment on Dawkins' last statement in the God vs. Science debate. Here it is:

"My mind is open to the most wonderful range of future possibilities, which I cannot even dream about, nor can you, nor can anybody else. What I am skeptical about is the idea that whatever wonderful revelation does come in the science of the future, it will turn out to be one of the particular historical religions that people happen to have dreamed up. When we started out and we were talking about the origins of the universe and the physical constants, I provided what I thought were cogent arguments against a supernatural intelligent designer. But it does seem to me to be a worthy idea. Refutable--but nevertheless grand and big enough to be worthy of respect. I don't see the Olympian gods or Jesus coming down and dying on the Cross as worthy of that grandeur. They strike me as parochial. If there is a God, it's going to be a whole lot bigger and a whole lot more incomprehensible than anything that any theologian of any religion has ever proposed."

As a Christian, I do believe that God is so much bigger than what any theologian or human being can propose. Most of the time our words and actions as Christians do the exact opposite of showing who God is, much less so even coming close to giving an accurate portrayal of just who the creator is. Words fail when it comes to God. Human argument falls flat. Analogies are insufficient. Our understanding is left wanting. Yes, God is incomprehensible. The Answer is more than we will ever be able to describe, more than we will ever know, more than we will ever realize. My only hope lies in the everlasting, all-encompassing, always active Creator and His Son and His Holy Spirit to reach the lives of my friends and the people I know, to direct the message of salvation and hope into each of their lives.

Job 36:29
Isaiah 40:13
Romans 11:34
I Corinthians 2:16

How awesome and incredible is that?

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Musings

I just read a great article published as a cover story by Time Magazine in November 2006. It's titled "God vs. Science" and can be found here. This article is a debate between pre-eminent atheist Richard Dawkins and the Christian and lead scientist of the Human Genome Project, Francis Collins. Many of the core issues in the God vs. Science debate are identified very truthfully and simply in this article. Francis Collins said a few of the same things that I wrote down in reaction to Dawkins' book The God Delusion, though his words are much more rehearsed and efficient and solidified than mine. In particular I liked Collins' statement about how we should approach the argument:

"God's existence is either true or not. But calling it a scientific question implies that the tools of science can provide the answer. From my perspective, God cannot be completely contained within nature, and therefore God's existence is outside of science's ability to really weigh in."

Collins is not saying here that science must stay out of religion or that the two are separate entities contained in airtight boxes (to quote Steven Jay Gould). You should read the article for exact clarification, but essentially what Collins is doing with this statement is reacting to Dawkins' approach to proving, or disproving God. Dawkins assumes all that exists is the physical realm, and using only the physical realm we can't see or find or prove God, so therefore he doesn't exist. I agree that you can't prove God using the physical realm alone. Somewhat in this article but also in his book The Language of God, Collins says that it is "the knowledge of the Moral Law and the universal search for God" among other uniquely human attributes that are the things that show God's existence. Collins says that when we look at science we're discovering just one of the ways that God operates in his vast creation. This too shows the paradigm difference that I tried explaining in my notes on TGD. Dawkins is working backwards through time and level of creation and Collins is working forwards.

Here's 3 further comments on this topic:

COLLINS: By being outside of nature, God is also outside of space and time. Hence, at the moment of the creation of the universe, God could also have activated evolution, with full knowledge of how it would turn out, perhaps even including our having this conversation. The idea that he could both foresee the future and also give us spirit and free will to carry out our own desires becomes entirely acceptable.

DAWKINS: I think that's a tremendous cop-out. If God wanted to create life and create humans, it would be slightly odd that he should choose the extraordinarily roundabout way of waiting for 10 billion years before life got started and then waiting for another 4 billion years until you got human beings capable of worshipping and sinning and all the other things religious people are interested in.

COLLINS: Who are we to say that that was an odd way to do it? I don't think that it is God's purpose to make his intention absolutely obvious to us. If it suits him to be a deity that we must seek without being forced to, would it not have been sensible for him to use the mechanism of evolution without posting obvious road signs to reveal his role in creation?

Dawkins comment shows that he doesn't quite get the argument of God existing outside of the physical realm. If God is outside of time, how could you possible describe him as "waiting?"

I have been a creationist for many years now, and that conclusion is not founded upon a vast understanding of science. I am open to the possibility of accepting evolution as the process of history. If all the evidence really points in that direction, then I have to choose to be ignorant and bull-headed to continue to believe in creationism. And I would also be doing it without cause. For if fundamental theology and the fundamentals of Jesus life, death, resurrection, and salvation are all consistent with evolution, then why reject it?

Having said that, there are a couple of things I am uncomfortable with about evolution. First is the fact that, if evolution is true, then death was rampant in the world before Adam. (This line of thinking came to me through the author of In the Beginning, Walt Brown). Now Paul writes in Romans 5 that death came through the sin of the first man. Sin causes death. If evolution is true, then it really complicates how we view the roll of sin. One argument is that God took a particular being at a point in the long history of this earth and called it Adam and breathed his image into this being (thus making a soul) and set it apart from all the other beings. This being was sinless and had perfect union with its creator and when it decided to not do what its creator wanted it to do sin entered the world. It is possible to reconcile this theory with Genesis 1 but not with Genesis 2 and certainly not with sin creating death. Genesis 2 makes it seem as though Adam was there near the beginning of creation, before rain and before plants were growing outside of the Garden of Eden. Is Genesis suddenly being uber-poetic here? There's another book I need to read by C. John Collins (not a relation) titled Science & Faith.

The second thing is found in Collins' last comment posted above. I disagree with what he says here. In a round-about way it is true that free will is related to why God seems hard to find, but only in the view of sin - not in some God-initiated way as Collins seems to suggest.

I believe that God desperately wants us to find him, to know that he exists, to reach out for him, to worship him, to glorify him and to honor him with our actions. Of course there is also free will. Free will allowed the possibility for sin, and it is sin that clouds our view and keeps us from seeing our ever-present creator. God didn't create with the intention to keep himself hidden so that we would have to accept him on faith. Fundamental Christian Theology states that God created us perfect and that we sinned and separated ourselves from Him and clouded our own view. As human beings we see good and bad and we realize that we are living in an imperfect condition. We constantly fight against the razor-edged chains in our life that are destroying us - addictions, hurtful words and actions, loss, and countless others. These things are the result of our transgressions against our creator. We struggle with these things, and I'm telling you the only sure-fire way to conquer them is to lay the burden of the fight on the one who can win - to let go, to trust that he will succeed, to stop struggling and believe that he will carry the day. This is called faith.


This is where I'll end now for tonight. This is a new revelation for me about faith. I think I've come across a new way of looking at faith and looking at coming to Jesus. I need more time to flesh this out and put it in identifiable and comprehensible words. I'd also like to spend considerably more time thinking and writing about Adam's role if evolution is indeed our history.

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Haro? Me no supeki Ingurish.

I need to destroy the internet. It sews me onto a world I don't belong to anymore. And then when I shut my computer, and turn my eyes away, I have to physically rip my soul from the pictures, the chats and the life I build for myself there during the brief moments I imbibe. It hurts. And I bleed.

So I've decided to destroy the internet. All of it. I will chew one cable at a time, break one fiber-optic, snap one wire, disable one satellite in my quest for total darkness. Sorry if you liked the internet. But that's the way it's going to be.

Reality exists in 1 place at a time only. Only God can leap from one place to the next.

I need omnipresence. That would be helpful.

I think I'm going to go offline for awhile. I'm going to erase my English databank in every moment that I don't need to speak it for official work hours where I'm getting paid. I'm telling everyone from now on that I'm from Norway and I don't speak any English. Thanks for the idea, Pat.

.

This blog was interrupted by this chat with Pat:

Pat

Hey Luther

How's life

2:35amLuther

hello?

2:35amPat

How are you man

2:35amLuther

ok

up and down

yeah

it's crazy

2:35amPat

You're still in Japan right?

2:35amLuther

life's crazy

yeah

2:36amPat

Thats good

2:37amLuther

or good that I'm in Japan?

are you there?

2:38amPat

Both I think

Sorry I'm in Honduras right now teaching English and I have a ton to do at the same time

2:38amLuther

ah

Honduras

How many classes do you teach ina week?

2:38amPat

Yeah its awesome

4 middle school classes everyday

2:39amLuther

Pat is no longer online. The following was not sent:

wow, crazy

wow, crazy

how many lesson plans per week is that?

2:40amPat is online.

2:40amPat

But its good man.

Only 1

2:40amLuther

at least that's good

what do you do with your free time?

2:41amPat

I pretty much teach the same thing to each class. Which can get tedious for me but I've learned some REALLY awesome English-Learning songs

2:44amPat

How about you?

2:46amLuther

ah - I don't know

I dont' know what's happening

2:46amPat

Really?

2:46amLuther

I kind of just swim through space for a few hours

then I'm back at school

2:46amPat

Nice

How's your japonese?

2:47amLuther

I'm blinded, reminded, I reflect, reject...

I dont' know what I'm doing here

sometimes I freak out

other times I think I could stay forever

2:48amPat

I honestly think that is pretty normal for anyone living abroad

2:48amLuther

I'm approaching 1 year, Pat

2:48amPat

Yeah!!

2:48amLuther

3 1/2 weeks shy of 1 year

2:49amPat

I can't imagine that. Ive done a 5 month stint and now am on a 2 month one, and I still really struggle

2:49amLuther

Yeah, I've done 2 5 month stints

in a row

My Japanese is crap

I'm trying

and I'm learning

but slowly

Everyone always demands English out of me all the time

even in my private, after school life

2:50amPat

Yeah I know how that is

2:50amLuther

"will you speak English with my son?"

"will you volunteer at this English conversation class?"

2:50amPat

I eventually started telling people I was german.

2:50amLuther

"will you give me private lessons?"

"NO!

"

WE'RE IN FRICKIN JAPAN!!!

when do I get to learn how to live here?

Even when I say, in perfect Japanese, "mou skoshi yukuri kantan ni itte kudasai masenka"

they freakin start talking in English

no

don't speak English

just use simple Japanese

I speak simple English

I'm kind to you

I pick out words I know you understand

just scale it back a bit

don't speak English

I want to learn

Yeah, I'm wiggin out right now

sorry

2:53amPat

No that's ok

I know what its like to need to vent man

2:54amLuther

You know what my prospects are of meeting a nice, English speaking, Christian girl out here?

2:54amPat

Probably about as good as the brewers winning the world series

2:54amLuther

the answer is zero

I might have well as signed up to be a catholic priest

2:56amLuther

each time I sign another 1 year contract, I'm saying that I'm quite interested in extending the age that I get married by 1 more year

The okonomiyaki place

I have a story to tell you, and it couldn’t be better if I made it up. Really, I couldn’t script this stuff. Some things that happen here in Japan are simply uncanny, the sequence of events twisting themselves in curly-Qs, leading me somewhere in a moment and then to some other place in the next. I usually don’t know where I’ll end up and often don’t even know where I am at the present. So I will tell you now, after the raging fires of experience have died down to recordable levels yet before the coals of memory fade to ash.

I set out this past Friday night for my friends’, the Sano-sans, ramen-shop restaurant for a meal and a beer. I went on foot since I knew that I would have a drink and even biking after consuming one beer is illegal. It’s about a 20 minute walk, but I’m used to walking and used to travel taking more than a bit of time. When I arrived at their shop in Yui I discovered it was closed. This was strange since it was a Friday. I hadn’t seen them since my parents left, so I was looking forward to spending some time with them that night. At this point I was already pretty hungry and didn’t want to wait another 20 minutes and then have to cook dinner. Luckily, the tiny okonomiyaki restaurant (think pancakes, slightly raw on the inside, filled with lettuce and ham, then topped with a type of barbeque sauce and mayonnaise) across the street was open so I didn’t have far to go. I had never been even though I like okonomiyaki. The Sano-san’s “Porushe” was right there so anytime I was in the area to eat I would stop at their place. Being closed, I was now free to guiltlessly try a new place.

I hopped across the road, ducked under the half curtain and slid the door open. The next step left me speechless. Standing inside the entranceway I found myself simultaneously standing in the middle of the shop, at the end of the counter and in the “group” section. It was tiny. It was tinier than tiny. It’s places like this from where we get the expression “hole in the wall.” It had about the same floor space as a 5-man tent. I found myself facing the shop server (owner? Tenant?) behind the counter and two patrons gaping wide eyed at the pale white ghost who had just floated into their world. After another moments worth of hesitation there were konbanwas (good evenings) all around and the server (I later found out her name was Mi-chan) motioned for me to sit in the only other available seat, squeezed right between the two already eating. This was a little embarrassing as I felt I was breaking up a party, or at the very least moving into the middle of what had been until that point a very uneventful and pleasant evening for everyone. (A party with 3 people, but really they filled the place up.)

I sat there for awhile as the three continued to talk. Mi-chan brought me tsukemono and asked what I wanted to drink. I sat quietly trying to absorb what exactly was happening. The counter was tall and covered with alcohol advertisements and various kinds of ashtrays. The wall behind the counter was covered with shelves and more liquor ads. Mi-chan was busying herself between chatting and cooking up hearts and liver for the man sitting on my right. On the other side of him was a large TV screen glowing blue. Above me and in the corner to my left were two more TVs and behind me was a fourth. This was a karaoke bar.

Now I’ve frequented enough karaoke bars to get the gist for the technology, and this okonomiyaki place topped the list. There were brand-new looking mics, and two handheld electronic boxes that you could search for and enter the title of the song you wanted to sing. As I was eying this, the woman to my left picked one op and selected a song. When the music started I said, “Oh, enka.” And she responded with the specific kind of enka. They asked me if I knew any of the music, and I said no. Then they asked me how long I’d been here and I said 11 months and they were like, “That’s not long enough to learn this music.”

She had a nice voice and the song was enjoyable. I noticed up in the right hand corner of the screen that there was the silhouette of a woman lounging back inside of a pink box. I really couldn’t guess why that was there, but I didn’t have long to come up with an answer before it was revealed to me in its full glory. When the song ended a saxophone let out a provocative call and a Japanese model appeared fully clothed. Then the screen was covered in tiles and a title in Japanese appeared stating, “Your point total is…”

The numbers started spinning, and as they rose the tiles fell away from the screen slowly uncovering a now uncovered girl. The score reached 94 – 3 tiles away from the full monty. “zannen…” the guy to my right said. He shook his head and looked down at his food disappointed.

I couldn’t believe it. It was more the non-chalance that surprised me. The guy picked up the mic for a song this time and also sang an enka classic. Just as before, we watched the numbers spin and the tiles fall, still not achieving a perfect score. I asked if it had any English songs and they weren’t sure. I figured maybe they at least had some Beatles, so I started searching the machine. Sure enough, they had thousands of English songs, probably tens of thousands. I even found Jack Johnson and Hootie and the Blowfish. My first choice was the Neil Diamond classic “Sweet Caroline.” It’s karaoke perfect. I sang it pretty well – I think a 97, but still not good enough to be completely revealing. The others were satisfied with my singing though, and went on chatting a picking out more enka titles.

I had really come for a meal, so now I ordered the standard okonomiyaki. It came filled with cabbage and other unidentifiable things as well as a pile of sliced red ginger on the side. I had asked for low mayo, but there was still a sufficient amount to fill a small jar. Mayo is a staple over here. About this time we get to chatting some more and they were asking me questions about where I was from and what I was doing in Japan. Thinking about it afterward I’m quite surprised these questions didn’t come earlier. Besides the initial contact where both sides were quite surprised to see each other, they had carried on like I was a regular there, encouraging me to sing and going about their routine evening.

True to Japanese first conversations my age was asked. Mi-chan was delighted to hear “24” and went to get her cell phone. She dialed a number and began talking. While she was on the phone she explained to me that she was talking to “Maiko,” a 24-year old hair stylist living in Kambara. Maiko couldn’t come over at that moment, so Mi-chan handed me the phone to be introduced. Now the evening was becoming quite amusing. I exchanged a few lines with the girl, essentially just saying hi and nice to meet you, and handed the phone back to Mi-chan. She told me I needed to come back the following night to meet this girl, but I said I was already going to a friend’s house for a Mexican food party. She told me to come back the next weekend.

The night ebbed on and soon one, then the other patron left the place. I was still finishing my second beer, but it looked like Mi-chan was wanting to close down shop. She handed me a bill for 2500 yen, about 25 bucks. I thought that was a little steep for 2 beers and a plate of greasy, hole-in-the-wall okonomiyaki, but then maybe I was paying for the karaoke too. I drained my beer, paid the bill, slid the door open and stepped out into the night. I really hadn’t absorbed any of this at that moment. I focused my eyes and took the first step towards home.

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Number 9

Ok, one more post before June expires. Wow. June. Gone.

It doesn't seem as late in the year as it really is. (In a couple days we'll be closer to '09 than we are to '07). I think that's because I'm waiting for summer vacation to start. Back home summer started the second week of June. Now here it won't start until the third week of July. Even then, I'll be really busy and time with push me along, like exiting a crowded Tokyo train.

I discovered something yesterday, a small revelation but an important one. I've noticed now with the eyes of retrospect that my relationship with God has been changing, almost in the same way the seasons change. This is not a hot to cold to hot sort of thing, it’s about the evolution of it. The seasons change slowly, but there’re always jumps and lulls of illogic. Maybe it hasn’t been as volatile as Minnesota’s change of seasons, but that really is the point. It’s been changing slow enough that I haven’t been able to identify it until after the fact.

Me and the Lord have been doing well – we’ve been talking a lot and I’ve been offering up quite a few things. Here’s the problem though: being surrounded by so many non-Christians, by so many atheists, by a very small and sporadically spaced network, by a very un-Biblical nation has made me think in relativity. I feel like I’ve already arrived.

This is very dangerous. It doesn’t make me cocky, it doesn’t make me look down on anyone – these people are my best friends - , it doesn’t make me doubt. What I have done is allow myself to become complacent. I’m not trying to be more like Christ because I feel he’s just cool with where I’m at. Arrived.

I have fallen on grace, and I always will, and it will always be the only thing that will save me. But Jesus has also called me to be more like him and last time I read the gospels Jesus wasn’t getting drunk or womanizing. I can still be cool without a cigarette behind my ear.

Now I’m not going to abandon my edge, and I’m not going to betray my personality. God made me unique and I will celebrate this fearfully and wonderfully created life. I just want to love God and love his ways more than I love the world.

God, I need you so much right now. I have so many needs that I’m trying to fill under my own power, and I’m just not making it. There’s always holes and as soon as one’s plugged the water starts spilling out somewhere else and I’ve run out of fingers. Hold me tighter. Crawl into that empty bed before me. Set me upon the world with clarity of purpose and a powerhouse of discipline. Fill my lungs with your cleaner air. Sharpen my mind and deepen my love. Love me until it spills over the edges and floods the lives of the people around me.

You, Lord, and not me.

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Cloverfield? Or something like that

You know you've just seen a bad movie when on a Saturday night the movie finishes and you say, "Man. I could have done laundry."

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Campaign Finance

I just read this new article on the BBC about Barack Obama's campaign fundraising. He has made the decision to turn down the $80 million that the government will give to each the democratic and republican nominees to run a presidential campaign. Accepting this money means that nominees can't take any private donations. It is meant to make the race fair between nominees of different parties. If I remember correctly, Obama had offered McCain back in February that if he were the democratic nominee, he would run on the $80 mil. only as long as McCain agreed to do the same. I think McCain had tentatively agreed.

However, McCain has been taking donations from "special interest groups" and "private donors" through loopholes in the public-financing bill co-authored by none other than McCain himself, even though he has chosen to take the government's money. Obama has decided that this isn't very fair, and in light of his strong condemnations of SIG money and the fact that he will probably be able to raise more than $80 mil. through private donors, he has decided to go the private-only route. He wouldn't be able to compete with McCain money wise with only public financing.

However, by choosing to take private donations, isn't Obama being influenced by "special interests" of the "worst" kind? One individual's donation means Obama is answering to that individual's interests, rather than a cross-section of the tax-payers (those who checked the box on their tax returns). What about the interests of the poor or those on welfare who can't shell out the $2300? I suppose one could argue that $2300 from any one person is not enough to hold much sway. But what about when individuals with an agenda hold fundraisers to pool their money for Obama's campaign?

Is it even possible to avoid money from "special interests?" How can one investigate every donor's ties to lobbying or lobbyist companies? And does it even make sense not to take money from SIGs? Some groups certainly are lobbying for people and causes that don't already hold monetary and political clout.

It will be interesting to see over the months leading up to November where the money is coming from.

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Writings on the Ocean

The ocean was flat. That's a damned common word to choose after so many nights of observation, but really it was the best word for it. There were no tsunami waves tonight, running at shore in their rank and file, steadily pounding a rhythm against the concrete. On microcosm you could see the slop and plop water knocking itself about, but he hadn't looked at that; only out over the width of the bay and the stretch between summertime lights. He thought about that day early last spring when the ocean laid still. There were no waves on that afternoon, and no surf - only a slight heaving of the water, like the shallow and dispersed breathing of a dying man, it's white foam frothed at the edges, sputtering out.

The moon tonight shown steady casting its reflection off the water in a perfect line to the bottom of his feet. "Hm." It suddenly occurred to him that it could never be any other way. Why hadn't he thought about that before? You always see the sun coming right at you and that had never seemed strange. "I might have to draw a picture with the sunset reflecting off to the side," he thought. He bet after it was finished, you could tell it looked funny, but you wouldn't be able to say why.

The moon looked lumpy tonight - it wasn't quite full. Or was that just the clouds? A shadow passed moving the opposite way of the traffic, but tonight he didn't jump. The scene was molding him, making him a part of its familiarity.



Honesty. What does that look like? Is it possible to be recorded, even by the best intentions? Does the tip of the pen dull its edges, scratch its surface? Is there much forgotten by the flawed institution of writing? Even if I made up my mind to be honest with you, could I produce it?

A Kitachousenjin

He poured through books like water from a clear glass pitcher. And when he was empty, he waited to be filled again. "I'm just buying my time," he thought. But really it was the elements that had control. Sure, he could set himself under the eave of a rooftop, but even then, it still had to rain.


I talked with a guy from North Korea tonight. Kitachousen. All of Korea is chousen; they consider themselves one-people, one-blood. Through our conversation of 95% Japanese and 5% English, I managed to understand his main convictions and the things he so desperately wanted me to understand. His name was Kim, a 41-year old entrepreneur selling Korean food in Shizuoka. His grandfather had been from South Korea and somehow (I couldn't follow this part) this allowed Kim to be in Japan, though his alien registration card showed him as a North Korean.

Kim constantly apologized for the things he was saying, though he raised little offense. He said that Koreans in North Korea would rather keep their own culture, their pride, and starvation, than to be infiltrated by Americanism and the vices that come with it. He said that it was a difficult decision to make between which was worse: starving in Korea or being shot on the street in L.A.

South Korea had become "America's dog." The people were kept sedated with the "3 Ss:" sex, screen and ___. War was business, and America was only after North Korea so that they could be closer to China's and Russia's door, the likes of which would be a "constant pebble in China's shoe." According to Kim, North Koreans feared an aggressive and hostile China as a result of American presence, more than they feared their empty stomachs. He said that if America went to war, they would win, 100%. But maybe not before North Korea would be able to take a retaliatory pot-shot at either South Korea or Japan.

Kim liked Americans, and he couldn't get enough of shaking my hand and patting me on the back. But he assured me that that didn't mean he liked my government. In his mind, Clinton would have made the best president because she would be the most likely to leave North Korea alone. Kim also liked American style business, this probably being the result of his livelihood. The Japanese tended too much to keep their heads down and despair over the low points of the oscillating business curve. He kept a smile on his face and waited for the upswing. Kim wanted everyone to be friends, for there to be peace among all nations, and even dreamed of visiting America someday, if the government ever allowed him to.

"Hontou Gomennasai, I'm really sorry, Luther," he said as he criticised America again. He loved meeting Americans and telling them all about North Korea. "They don't teach you these things in school."

We traded numbers toward the end of the evening. Kim said he would take me out for yakiniku or Korean-style barbecue. I would pay 20%, he would pay 80 because at 41 "he was my uncle." I told him I really liked ishiyakibibimba, another type of Korean cooking. That awarded me another handshake.

Kim was the first North Korean I have ever met, and I do hope to spend another evening with him. This one had turned into a late night, but one that I wouldn't have traded for any night's worth of perfect sleep.

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Old Blue Eyes

"You're eyes are blue."
"Yep. Yes, they are."
"That's soo cool!"
I open my eyes wide until I feel the stretch on my eyeballs.
"Do any Japanese people have blue eyes?" I ask.
"No."
"None?"
"No, none."
I wonder what that would be like to not know the possibility of different colored eyes. I know people in America born of the same parents who have different colored eyes.
They ask me why my shirt is so colorful.
"Because I'm American," I say, but that's not the real answer. The real answer is, "Because I'm Luther." That's what people are seeing when they see me. You have to make generalizations about some things though. Otherwise, how could you ever know anything?

The conversation changes to shimoneta - bad Japanese words you're not supposed to say - or more accurately, my kids trying to get me to say a few of those words to the other senseis. I'm one step ahead of them though. I usually don't say anything at all.

This has been a bit damning, though understandable. Recognizing it is the first step to change. I could run through all of the excuses, "They're too busy," or "I'll embarrass myself," or worse "I'll embarrass them." Another oft used line, "I'm the foreigner, they should make the initiative and talk to me." I've found so few people who are willing to initiate conversation, and none who will speak Japanese with me. I imagine their lives rolling on like mine did back in the states, only noticing the foreign born in my peripheries. How lonely and sad life must have been for some of the exchange students at UWEC. I wish I could go back and do it over again. I'd take people to the grocery store, buy them American snacks, teach them jokes and slang, hang out with them on a Friday night. What an important opportunity I missed, all because I could only see to the end of my personal bubble, a bubble I had inflated and marked with delicacy, one to be heavily guarded as if it were important. There were people back there, waiting for me. But somehow I found myself too busy with Mountain Dew cans, sunflower seeds, and games of online backgammon. How many games did I play in those brief years?

I learned a new definition of the word "ruminating" today. It's a psychology definition. It's classified as an addiction, but most people who have it don't know it. It's closely tied with depression and anxiety. It's a definition I've always lived with, but never known. Knowing - recognizing - is the first step.

The words to a poem I wrote 6 or 7 years ago come back to me:

"...I think so much I think I'll puke..."

Thinking is supposed to be a good thing, but when you think in a circle and wonder why your thinking never brings you anywhere.... desukedo...

I pray my thoughts are a reflection and not a rumination. I will work on this.