はっきり見れる

This is the most clearly I have seen since coming to Japan. I wrote a blog quite some time ago titled "tearing" which was about my identity and feeling torn between the place where my mind dwelt and the space that my body occupied. It has been very difficult for me having come to a totally new place for really the first time in my life. I was so comfortably situated in my mid-west, Scandinavian, middle-class American life back home. I wasn't willfully ignorant but I was a bit naive - I wasn't arrogant but I was a bit ethnocentric - I meant no ill-will but I certainly committed a sin of omission in letting the world lie, unopened and unexplored.

It's been a real struggle for me in beginning to view the world as "we" rather than "them." And a lot of it has to do with my own identity. I am finally, finally starting to see myself as a whole person - dynamic and whole. I used to have trouble picturing myself since I saw my two worlds as mutually exclusive places - here, and there. But now, slowly, the light from this world has grown, stretched concentrically all the way to where I find it touching and joining the light of my previous known world and I see: I live on one globe and that globe is called "The World." I am very comfortable being Luther and being here and surviving and now thriving.

Some of it has to do with language. I have found that, the more Japanese language I learn, the smarter Japanese people get. It was so easy to fall into the trap of simplifying a thing to meet the level at which I could understand. With every little bit of Japanese I learn, a bit more of the Japanese psyche emerges - everyone's personality is pumped up, everyone's humanity becomes that more apparent. It's horrible to admit, but it's taken me a long time to recognize Japanese people as fully functioning, thinking breathing feeling humans...it was so easy to see myself thinking and operating outside of (again) what I found to be their simple world. I knew it was not simple, of course. But I couldn't feel it.

I took the 日本語能力試験三級 (nihongo nouryoku shiken san kyuu) ((Japanese Language Proficiency Test - Level 3)) today. There are 4 levels with 1 being the most difficult. Level 3 isn't supposed to be that difficult - I think they say you can pass it with about 300 hours of studying - but it also doesn't do a whole lot for you other than give you bragging rights. Passing Level 2 or 1 can get you various jobs in Japan. Even so, I probably failed. I didn't take my grammar studies seriously enough these past few months.

But this test was a great experience. It was a humbling experience (it showed me all the stuff I still don't know) but at the same time it was a great motivator to study harder. If I can just master all the vocabulary and the grammar at the 3rd-level, I should in theory be able to operate in Japan on a daily basis. So this is my goal. The test won't be offered again until next December, but by that time, I should be ready to take level 2.

If I study for 2 hours every day between now and then. That's the suggested amount anyway.

I've never latched on to anything long term in my life. I've always had such varied interests and I've always dabbled. Now here's a chance to grab on to something sooo practical and honestly engaging. I'm pretty sure I'm coming home in August. But that means 7 1/2 more months in Japan. Why be satisfied where I'm at? I have the incredible opportunity to come away from the JET experience with a workable second language. It would be so もったいない (mottainai) ((wasteful)) to move back to the States without one.

Things are good right now and I think getting better. I had a really difficult September and October, but November has seen me on the up and up, and I should share some of why with you sometime. For now I'm bent on living in the moment. I have a history of over-analyzing to the point where analysis turns into paralysis and I'm no longer effective. I'm only thinking about the future without doing anything in the present. I have a lot of high-mined ideas about where and how I should go, but I don't get out of bed. Living in the moment overcomes this. Of course I have goals - I have the ultimate goal to love and serve God and love others - I have the long term goal of becoming a diplomat or finding and pursuing a woman to love - I have the mid-term goals of finishing my time in Japan or finding a job in Rapid City - I have my short term goals of class schedules and lesson-writing - I even have daily goals in a way of doing dishes, laundry, eating food, and this list could go on and on and that's the point and that's why I never get moving because I never stop planning or thinking about how things should or could be. So I set this down, and push it aside, and walk forward. And I push it aside when it rushes back to trip my step. And I push it aside to clear my head for the now - the sudden, immediate, incredible opportunity of now.

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