Musing

The days are getting longer every day, and I love it. I can slip out of this office at 4:15 with enough time to see the sun before he falls behind the hills of Yui.


I have another musing - what is the balance between the vanity and ego that has allowed so many great men and women to do so much good in the world, and sinful arrogance? At what point does loving oneself turn into self-love? Should this even be a concern of mine? I've always been really hard on myself - held an anti-vanity - even in the face of real success. But maybe that too is selfishness, disguised in my self-effacing. Yes, I'm commanded to love myself. I've just always been afraid that in allowing myself to reach the limits of my high expectations I would somehow be reveling in self glory, puffed full of pride. Maybe it's time to start expecting to reach my expectations.

I think the fall comes in where you give the credit. Who allows me the privilege to think? To do? To navigate complex social constructs? Or to even breathe? And I've been asked to do a lot. I've been given a lot and assembled with a lot of potential and maybe it would be a sin to not reach it. Objectively, I have everything it takes to do anything. I just lack the drive and discipline. Maybe that's what this all comes down to. Maybe I'm disguising the hard work of great men with their ego, using that created cause so I can better attack it with my arguments in order to feel better about my own mediocrity, not daring to rise above timidity and slightness.


I need discipline.

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