Sleepover

Now, I’ve never been married before, so I know I’m not an authority on this, but marriage has gotta be cool because pretty much it’s like getting to have a sleepover with your best friend every night. I was thinking about this as I lay in bed earlier this evening (night) and had to get up and type it because I was getting really excited thinking about it. It started when I was laying there and I had something to say, but no one next to me to tell it to, and then I was thinking about the sweet sleepovers I would have with my friend Chris Sanford when I was in grade school and we would both sleep in his twin sized bed with his dog Gabby at the foot and Chris would usually hog all the blankets at some point of the night so I ended up waking up a dozen times and my legs would get cramped because I couldn’t stretch them out cuz Gabby was in the way. When we got older we would sleep down in his TV room on top of the couch cushions that we had pulled down onto the floor, usually retiring after a rousing game of Spot for Sega Genesis. Chris would always sleep wearing a T-shirt and I could never understand this because when I tried to sleep in a T-shirt it would always get twisted in my sleep and tug at my skin and wake me up. Sleepovers are great and I think every kid loves them. The best was when I got to have a sleep over on a school night, because I rarely got to do this. We would stay up real late and then have to get up real early to get dressed for school and then be tired all day at class. And by class I mean the one, full-day class we had because we were in elementary school. Yeah, that’s pretty much right on – if I had to explain marriage to a 10 year old I would say it’s just like having a sleepover with your best friend every night. Then I’d watch how wide his eyes would get.

And it’s a good way of explaining it to myself too. I think there’s probably more to it than just that, having had a taste of the world I can see there being some sort of responsibility involved. Ever since I’ve gotten older I keep finding that that “r” word is associated with more and more aspects of life. But a big part of it has got to be giddiness, a smile that won’t go away, a close your eyes and laugh to yourself cuz you can’t believe it’s true, that there’s a real live girl lying next to you in your bed. And then you turn over and she’s smiling at you too and then she says she has something to say and is glad that she’s on a sleepover so that she can tell it to someone.

When I get married, it’s going to be to my best friend. It can’t be soon because right now my best friend is a boy and I’m not gay. But someday, I’ll meet a girl and we’ll start spending time together and she’ll think I’m cool and I’ll think she’s pretty great and then I’ll make my moves and she’ll swoon and we’ll have a lot of stuff to talk about and she’ll think I’m funny. And I’ll get along with her parents.

God’s got me working on a lot of things right now. We’ve been talking a lot the past year and a half now. It started out of desperation and a realization that I was dying, decaying really, on the inside and finally realized it. Through it all I gained a very trustworthy friend who always listens and gives really good advice. I know he’s brought me here and moved me into an apartment all on my own to let me learn how to live with myself and love myself and take out the trash and wash my dishes and pay my bills all by myself. I’ve realized that this has to be a prelude to loving another and treating her right. I must love God with all my heart and lean on his understanding and his leadership and be an example of his steadfast love for the church. Then I must feed myself properly and feed my spiritual stomach and shave regularly.

All this I am learning to do while on my own. Maybe that’s the bigger challenge between it and living in Japan. Someone during Tokyo Orientation mentioned that to me and I hadn’t thought about it before, but it hit hard when she said it. She said that not only was this her first time living in Japan, but it was her first time living on her own in an apartment, without roommates and without friends living nearby. This could very well be Boston or Salem or Miami. Yet being in a new language certainly has its further barriers. It makes you turn to the inside of your own head even more.

I love it here not only for the crazy and unique way of living that I’m discovering people have, but because I get to be with me and get to learn how to love myself. I get to start turning that outwards too, because love isn’t a selfish task. There’s no limit to it and it doesn’t run out. There’s no love meter that swings to empty when all the love’s been spent. The more I put into loving myself, the more I’m able to genuinely turn to the guy next to me and with no selfish motivation help him. It’s a joy to live for others when I’m completely unconcerned with my own needs. Not because my needs no longer exist but because they’re being met by God’s love and the love I now am giving myself.

Now it’s late; I’ve stayed up an extra hour writing, but it was good to write this and I feel better for it than I would have with the hour of sleep. Lord, you know my prayers, so for now I’m going to climb back into that empty bed with all the excitement of a 10 year old, waiting in anticipation of the greatest sleepover while still knowing that life right now is grand. ;-)